The Abyss

... and one long pig. Yummers, eh? But it's like the rabbit stew recipe, first thing ya gotta do, is catch the rabbit. Who's usually running at a heck of a clip. In a remarkable coincidence, so's Virgil and Friend. (Friend's name is unimportant, for reasons we'll get into in a minute, right about the time we compute his stats for the half-mile obstacle course run.)

Whoops! Game over for that boy. Shame, he had such a future, too. His pursuers surround him and cart him off while Virgil watches from the cover (if I can call it that) of a clump of spindly birches.

Switch scene to a peaceful forest, where happy woodland creatures gambol about the glade, and Gabrielle, in a breathtaking reddish brown suede coat (and understated though sparkly foundation), draws down on a buck. She misses, and trades quips with Xena while retreiving her arrow. Since they can't have venison, they'll have fish. They're travelling on a river, after all, and are they anywhere near where they're supposed to meet Virgil & Whatshisname?

They get in their canoe and paddle down this peaceful, idyllic river, pondering, no doubt, the ease with which they are able to remain in almost constant contact with their friends and family, despite what one might logically consider to be the limitations of pre-Mycenian telecommunications, to the point where they can arrange exact meeting times and places through doing no more (so far's we can tell) than wishing it were so. We couldn't do better with cell phones and pagers, not to mention GPS. Alas and alackaday, how much have we lost since we've become civilized and modern?

They're looking for Virgil and Whosit's campsite, Gab's doublechecking the radio collar frequency and Xena looks up to see smoke billowing out over the treetops on the near bank. That's them, she says. I'm thinking it might be someone else unless the parkies have restricted access already this season, and it turns out Xena's right, it is their campfire. They're not there, though, and they've let it burn while they wandered away in direct violation of park safety rules, this is just terrible, good thing it's X&G and not the parkies this time. Looking around, Gab says there's blood everywhere, and Xena pulls up a wand or stake or something with an old skull pinioned on one end. From this she deduces that Virgil and Thingie were in serious danger, escaped in their canoe and were running for their lives.

Well. It's like magic. Let's us mortal folk try to follow the Warrior Princess' reasoning:

1. They were in danger: okay, they did go off and leave the fire going. Surely Virgil's more responsible than that. He's a poet, after all. Oh, yeah—there's all that blood, too.
2. They escaped in their canoe: this one's a bit shakier. True, there's no canoe around, but it could've sunk or slipped its painter.
3. They were running for their lives: this is a major leap, not to mention illogical, since it doesn't fit with the canoe theme. Either they're running around (for their lives or maybe just for the gold) or they're paddling down the river in a canoe. Skull-stake or no skull-stake, I'm not budging on this one.

It actually doesn't matter what I think of her logic, since she's right about the one salient point—they were running for their lives. And Virgil, like a true survivor, concentrated on only running faster than his companion. He'll need therapy for that someday, but for right now, he's still alive. In an effort no doubt to mitigate his guilt, he's followed the guys what captured Dinkums to their encampment, not terribly closely since they've had time enough and to spare to encase Doofus in clay or something similar and wrap him around a big ol' spit over a roaring fire.

This is just too strange. I don't normally prepare people for the cookfire, truly I don't, a good marbled beefsteak is ever so much nicer, but if I were to contemplate doing so, I'm sure that the better way is to first gut and skin them and then spit them up their middles for more even cooking of the meat. Gutting is important to remove those juices and other bits that tend to flavour meat unfavourably, and skinning gives the cook the opportunity for herb rubs and other nice additives. Binding the carcass (or in this case, the live body) head-up around the spit and then covering it with clay slip or whatever that was, without even undressing it first, and spinning it over a hot fire is simply asking for the outside to be burnt and the inside to be raw.

So these are particularly stupid cannibals we're dealing with here. Or perhaps the people-cooking thing is not so much a main dietary staple as a religious rite. Like Eli's laying on of hands thing, only more involved. From their regalia, one must assume that they're good enough hunters to bring down plenty of wild boar, and that is no mean feat, so it's not like they're underfed.

Anyway, Virgil can see his buddy (however did he recognize him? From the way the breathing tube sticks out of his mouth? Did I really go there?) spinning round and round, and the painted ponies going up and down—um, sorry, and a wee tear escapes his eye just as the title sequence cranks into full swing.

In the non-sequitur of the ep, when we get back to the action, Gabrielle and Xena are floating down the river in their canoe again, calling for Virgil, and Gabrielle remarks that she doesn't know what's wrong with her (they're in a difficult and potentially dangerous situation, they've lost radio contact with their mother ship and one of their scouts is missing, she'd have to be chugging Xanax not to be disturbed) and Xena says it's cos she's still upset over killing Korah. Right. Okay, maybe she is, but it's not like she doesn't have plenty else to weigh on her sense of well-being.

Anyone else get the feeling that Xena's trying to talk about something that Gab doesn't want to discuss and that this is the forty-eleventh time they've had this talk and Gabrielle's getting just a bit tired of it? She resumes calling for Virgil, but he's too busy to pay any attention. He's still spying on the cannibal camp and watching as Fine Young Cannibal wrestles with Gary Busey Cannibal over a bone or haunch, when he decides he's seen enough and takes off for the hills. He is Joxer's son, though, a factoid we're not let to forget when he trips up over a trap thingie and sets the alarm (raven in a cage) to sounding. The entire cannibal crew immediately drops everything and rushes to investigate. Whoopsie.

Meanwhile, X&G have found the remains of the boys' canoe. It's not in good shape. Gabrielle asks how it could have broken up—I gots news for ya, Gab, them grass canoes are not that sturdy. A few blows from a skull-wand and they're naught more'n kindling. (Weather report: storm clouds are moving in at a clip that in Oklahoma would indicate another trailer park is about to be airborne.)

The cannibals are closing in on Virgil. Looks like he's used up his good luck for the day. They net him, knock him unconcious and carry him off. Back on the river, X&G are still hashing over the thing in the desert. Xena gets in the last word just when Navy SEAL cannibals surface from under their canoe. They go for shore and make a stand on the bank. Things are going our grrls' way until Gabrielle has a bit of a break with reality and loses her momentum. She also takes a stab in the abs. Xena comes to her aid just as her guy tosses her into the river. We'll never know why he did that. Maybe the larder's full just now. Maybe they've caught their limit that day, or she's too small. You know, parkies can be fierce about stuff like that.

Xena dives in after her. It takes a bit, but she finds Gab's unmoving, floating body in the middle of the pre-rapids chaos. (Wizard corner: Gabrielle went into the water in that fine, fine coat. We see her wearing it while unconcious and floating. Xena reaches her in the next camera cut—no coat.) Xena pulls her into the safety of a cave in the river bank and revives her. Then she pulls out a bit of knife blade. This is still the "hurt" part of the "hurt/comfort" sequence. Then Xena leaves Gabrielle to recuperate in the back of the cave while she swims out and attempts to climb up the now-steep riverbank by means of the vines from A Necessary Evil. No joy there, the cannibals are up top with rocks and bits of skulls and bones and whatnot to knock her off with.

What's up with this? Just because they're cannibals don't mean they festoon themselves with skeleton parts, no more than any other primitive yet highly evolved nomadic hunter/gatherer society. Sheesh.

Okay, so Xena swims back to where Gabrielle is rapidly succumbing to hypothermia. (Shame about that coat. Mean old wizard.) Back in Cannibal City, the first bunch is re-entering with Virgil. (We get a fine shot of the camp surroundings here, enough to notice that whatever you may say about their dietary oddities, these people gots way better canoes than X&G or Virgil. At least one looked like fiberglass.) Fine Young Cannibal looks over the goods and appears to congratulate Gary Busey Cannibal. I think FYC's in charge and GBC's his first mate or something. The rest of 'em have about finished with Tweedledee on the spit, so my guess (and Virgil's) would be that our Virg is gonna be the next entree, whenever that's served. He screams some more and they whack him to shut him up.

In the cave, Gabrielle is hallucinating on Xena's lap. She's talking to Hope, but it's Xena making the responses. It's very poignant.

Outside, it's raining. Creek's rising, too. In the cannibal camp, though, the sun is shining brightly through the bars of Virgil's prison. He's not alone, there's a clown in there with him who brings him up to speed on why he shouldn't chow down on all the nice melons and nanners and sweetcakes and such in there with them. Virgil insists that Xena will be along to rescue them any time now. The clown is happy either way: rescue's nice, but if "Zebra's" captured, well, that's yet another one in line for the cookfire ahead of him.

In the cave, the river's fixing to flood our grrls out. Gabrielle tells Xena she wants to be buried with her. Xena is very touched. This is the "comfort" part of the hurt/comfort thing. Suck it up, kids, it's as good as it gets. Then Xena ties Gabrielle to her back with a fistful of vines and heads for the steep bank again. This time, she makes it. It's very heroic. Gab's barely coherent, so when Xena explains her plan, she's not interrupting with any queries as to which of them just spent all that time off her head.

The plan is that Xena lures the cannibals to where she's left Gabrielle. Sound good so far? It gets better. The cannibals will capture Gabrielle and take her back to their camp, where it's odds-on she'll go to the top of the menu. Apparently, Xena figures that they won't want to eat a sick, raving person, but will first make Gabrielle comfortable, dry her off, give her a nice blankie or tanned hide (ahem) to wrap up in, send in a nurse with her flu shot and only then will they do a shake -n- Gab-bake.

Now this is why Xena's a Warrior Princess and I'm just a biker chick. Checking with recent history, I'd have focused on how, when the cannibals last had an armful of battlin' bard, they chucked her in the river. I'd be a mite concerned they'd do that again. But not Xena—she knows. And it plays out just like she said it would. The cannibals capture Gab and haul her back to camp, where they toss her in with Virgil, who wraps her up in a sheepskin. He tries to tell her he'll save her, but she harrumphs and says for him just to be ready when Xena comes. Then the cannibals bust in the prison, probe her wound and medicate her (using some kind of clear liquid poured from a skull. This tribe has a real thing for bones.). The camera notices that she still has her sais. The cannibals do not. Within just a few ticks, she's right as rain.

Which, by the way, has stopped falling. Xena knows to make hay while the sun shines, and she does. She sets to chopping trees down with her sword (don't try this at home. Parkies are everywhere.) and floating them down the river (the ends are cut clean as hot wire cuts butter, wonder if she's motorized that blade?), loosing boulders with the aid of her trusty Light&Dark Chakram and hauling them up more trees using tar-coated vines (they grow abundantly throughout most of the Xenaverse's wilder areas). The music's pretty cool, too.

Meanwhile, Virgil's comforting Gabrielle and she's comforting him. It's very innocent and sweet. He saying he'll take care of her. Then the cannibals come in and haul her off. Guess it's time for elevenses. In the forest, Xena hears Virgil shouting "Gabrielle!" (that being the extent of his ability to take care of anyone, witness his care for his buddy at the top of the ep) and takes it as her cue to begin Part 1 of The Plan. She finds some handy cannibals (they weren't very far away) and starts a fight.

Guess they were the outlying guards. She pummels them into oblivion as back in camp, Gab's strapped to the spit and is being smeared with pink mud. She doesn't like it. She's still dressed, too, hell, she's still armed. Don't seem to help much, though, but I'll bet it wouldn't have improved her taste. Certainly not her boots.

Xena busts into camp before they can lift Gab onto the supports. More butt-kicking, very nice fight. Gab's freed almost immediately, and Xena tells her to get Virgil and get to the horses. As soon as Virgil and the clown are free, Virg starts in with a pair of hammers, doing some stellar work. All around cannibals are scurrying to and fro, carrying bundles mostly, while the better-paid cannibals are earning their money being whupped up on and tossed around. Virgil, Gabrielle and the clown make it to the cannibals' horses, and then pick up Xena, and they beat a fast retreat with FYC hot to chase after them, as soon as the other cannibals get all their stuff put away.

Time for Part 2 of The Plan: Xena's dammed the river at Point A. At Point B, Gabrielle and Virgil are to wait for Xena's signal. Xena will be down in the dry river bed at Point C with as many cannibals as she can tease into following her. On her signal, Gabrielle and Virgil are to cut the vine holding the key bits of the dam (Point A) in place.

Xena races off to Point D, where most all the cannibals are waiting. A few of them got lost, though, and wandered around to Point B, and Gabrielle and Virgil gotta hide right quick. Gabrielle draws a sai, and has another flashback to killing Korah. (sigh) This is getting to be as prevalent as the snowy Romans of season four. Meanwhile, Xena's got the pack down in the river bed with her, and unlike recently drained river beds in the rest of the known world, it is bone dry and easy to dance around on. Just as well, since Part 2 depends on fancy footwork.

Back at Point B, Gabrielle sneaks up on the cannibal fooling with the vine she's supposed to cut, and stabs him in the heart from behind, like she shoulda done at the top of the ep. Guess she's gotten over herself. Then, of course, she and Virgil have to deal with the rest of the crew up there, and they're a bit tougher.

Unfortunately for timing, Xena's in place at Point C and hollaring for the vine to be cut. She has some really tense moments before Gabrielle finally finishes off the last cannibal. He was between her and the vine. His bad luck. Meanwhile, GBC got Xena's sword in his gut, which is all to the good.

The vine finally cut, the whole dam comes crashing down on top of Xena and the cannibals (not a rock group. yet.), or rather just the cannibals since Xena: Spider Princess lept over the lot of them and glommed onto the rock wall bank on the opposite side. It's a minor apocalyptic mess, as cannibals are slammed into fishfood by boulders and logs and river trash. FYC gets it about now. In case anyone's keeping score.

Later, after Xena and Gabrielle and the extras have gotten back together, Gabrielle tells Xena she'll learn to live with her mistakes, no matter how terrible, and that that's the way. The Way? That? Well, maybe if she works on it a bit, gets a consulting group involved in the wording, she can make something of it. In the meantime, if it takes her mind off Korah, it's doable.

All in all, classically cool ep. Hurt/comfort, unredeemably bad opponents, sensitive chats, Xena doing superhuman (but not too much) stunts and making hard choices. Gabrielle doing human stunts and making hard choices. Extras who stay extras and don't try to be love interests. And several fine fights.