Fallen Angel

See, having had, as I have, a regular sea change in my own life just recently, and lord knows packing up one's little All and parking one's onliest motorcycle for the duration in a tiny storage bin, which activities can stand quite handily for being crucified, though without the snowy Romans and big-ass mallets, and moving one's self north-westwards across the mountains (very snowy, my life and this show are practically interchangeable) into what for all intents and purposes is Heaven, and while I've managed so far not to knock stuff over with my wings or fall off a Pillar of the Sierra Madres into Callisto's arms, otherwise it's really hard to tell the difference.

I do have less commercial breaks, though, must say. Speaking of which, this is as much of one as I bet you can tolerate, so I'll get on with it.

Our little epic opens pretty much where we left off last Spring. Our heroines are dead. Dead, dead, dead. Cold and dead. Blue-lipped. Froze. Hanging from crosses in a snowy courtyard in much the same way as those Mafiosi hung from them meathooks in one of the Godfather movies. Or was it one of the Rockys? Who here can tell the difference, without seeing the credits? Anyone? Thought so. Anyway, X&G are ex-parrots and that should be that, roll credits and on to the next obsession. But wait! Remember the sparkly things? At the tail end of last season (Deja Vu don't count, it was more like an entré act than a season-ender), just as the snow was settling gently onto X&G's bloodied limbs and burlap sackcloth and Maybelline Waterproof Mascara, sparkly bits leapt and sprang and danced about between them, you'd thought it was New Year's at San Quentin, and Xena and Gab's essences rose up into the sky, all smiling and joyful and free of this mortal coil, just like they hadn't a clue what a furkin' five act opera awaited them in the next life.

And they don't, you can tell, they're expecting the Elysian Fields or maybe the Amazonian Land of the Dead or possibly Club Med, but what they get in the Twilight of the Greek Gods is more like the Pillar Perches of the Aztec Parrots. Which kinda works, when you consider that it's the middle ground between the Forces of Good and Evil, aka the Doves and the Cowbirds, and everybody's got these massive wings stuck on, 'cept when they get in a fight and get them lopped off, happens a lot, seems like, guess they grow back pretty quick, and you can't do that kind of thing in a Victorian drawing room, Jesus' Daddy's house might got many mansions, but you know they're all full of knickknacks and framed photographs of seaside vacations and the odd lapdog sleeping on the parlour sofa and that just don't go with fifteen feet of feathery flappers.

So the Almighty's shooed the whole gang of 'em off to play outside, and the name of the game this afternoon is King of the Pillar Mountains, and whichever side's got the most wings still attached by suppertime wins.

Xena and Gab are supposed to play for the Doves, that's who tries to recruit them first (unless it's Esther Williams and the Ziegfield Follies, hard to say, though I think Gab's trainer is definitely a chorus boy, ifyouknowwhatImean) and they're cool with that, despite the Doves looking a whole lot like they're about to form an Up With People touring company (it would worry me, but then I did go to Baylor and know the signs as a result), but just then the Cowbirds swoop upward and break up the party.

Gabrielle's trainer loses his grip (apparently he's very new at holding girls' hands) and she plummets downward, and Xena breaks away from her keepers and dives after her. There's the usual heartrending looks passing between them, and fingers almost touching, and then one of the Cowbirds snags Xena in mid-air, it's Callisto and you can tell that nothing less than an atomic bomb has gone off in the attic where her portrait was kept, she is just not looking well, maybe it's the horns, I dunno, but I think it's got something to do with her dipping in a vat of Minwax Swedish Pine and not being able to find a rag to wipe off with afterwards, it's settled for good into all the knots and whorls and that grrl is marked for at least the next four months and she knows it.

And that's it for the opening scenes—time for the titles, give everyone who just stumbled on the show time to scratch their heads and wonder what the heck that was all about before clicking over to a Melrose Place rerun.

When we return, Callisto and Xena have at it in mid-air, which calls for a slight modification of one¹s offensive strategies—note the emphasis on headbutting as well as the less-than-effective results of Xena¹s walk/flip up Calli¹s torso.

The archangel Michael and his Merry Band arrive just as they're really getting into it, and hold off Callisto while Michael carries Xena to the Pillar of the 49th Parallel. (side note: one would think, if one were sensitive to sudden chilly drafts, that a kilt or skirt is perhaps not the most practical garment when doing battle with demons from hell several hundredcubits above the flooring, but perhaps in the midrange between heaven and hell, perhaps there are no chilly drafts, only warm, southerly breezes, playful zephyrs lapping one's ankles, twining about one's knees, snaking lightly up one's... oh gosh.)

Spoiler, spoiler, who's got the spoiler? Right, then, they're hanging around on the Pillar, catching their breaths and there's Gab's sister and Michael explains the realities of death to Xena (as if she couldn't tell them a thing or two) but she's not buying the part where Gabrielle goes to Hell cos some little cherub in training lost his grip, that's bureaucracy in action with a vengeance and she prepares to swan dive off the Pillar after her, but Michael catches her and she talks him into upgrading her current OS to something with enough wingpower to fetch the Gabster back to her destiny.

Meanwhile, down in a remarkably well-decorated cave, last seen when Caesar, Julius Caesar spent a night and a day whacking alternately at Xena and Pompey, it's had a banquet table added along with a few strategically placed sulphur pools and comfy rock perches, it's basically a modular cave, you can find one in all the modern Holiday Inn conference areas, down the hall from the sauna room and juice bar, anyway, Gabrielle wakes up on one of the perches to find she's keeping company with Cal in a close embrace, and death has not improved the Psycho Queen of Cirra's breath. She leaps like a startled fawn across the cave and they have a sensitive chat about the likelihood of Xena coming to Gab's rescue (both put it at 100%) and vitamin intake. Gab's a smart one, she is, she figures out right off that eating stuff in hell is really bad for the complexion.

Well, ya know, tain't nothin' free, not even in heaven. If ya wanna fly with the big dogs, ya gotta walk through their fire. That's what Michael tells Xena, at any rate, she can't be in their club unless she passes the ordeal test. This one's a no-brainer, and after rejecting the Wall of Water (been there, done that, got the lyric sheet to prove it) Xena picks Door No. 2, the one just past the massive Wall of Flames, Jim, and what's that we have for our contestant? Yes! You ARE A WINNER, Xena, and what you'll take away from our studio today is not one, but two aerodynamically designed, calibrated for speed in banks, turns and swoops, Daedelus Mark III wings, in designer matte black! And that's not all! What newly feathered archangel would be complete without black and silver breastplate and red woolly kilt?

Xena, Michael and Truckdriver Archangel go over how this new game is played. If Gabrielle's not yet a full demon, they can save her, no problem. If she has, though, the only way to free her is for Xena to swap places with her, which sorta negates the whole 'our souls are together through Eternity' gig, since it then becomes one of those math problems on the SAT, the one with the farmer and the boat and the river and the fox, the chicken and bag of grain. And Xena thought the Berserker was a toughie.

Back in hell, Gabrielle's got the fever in a big way, but she's sticking to her diet, somehow. Callisto never did have no patience, and she sics a troop of her minions on to break the bard's hunger strike. They force-feed Gabrielle and she's done for, she goes through the change right then and there, and you can tell from the way she writhes that Dahak never did for her with a whole pit of fire what Cal's cooking can do in under ten seconds.

Demon Gabby's got chipmunk cheeks. (tee hee) She's also got a way wicked mouth on her—two quickie lines and Cal's lost her cool totally. Before they can tear each other apart, Xena, Michael and the rest of the Pillar Perch Gang float down to the attack.

This is major buttkicking, though not quite in the same league as A Good Day, still, it's a fine fight. Xena engages Callisto right off, while Gab kneels on the floor, grunting her puzzlement at this change of pace. Michael's evidently got some kind of ADD, since Xena (while fighting Callisto) has to remind him to get Gab and go. Yo, Mikey? Why are we here? C'mon, focus, people!

Michael flutters over to the Grunting Gabster and tucks her under one arm as he takes off for the Pillar of the Jordan River, where he'll wash all her sins away, and that's it, mission accomplished, 1-2-3 and home, just like the Navy SEALS, but Xena's got her agendas confused, she's beating the shit out of Callisto, and at the last when Xena's got Cal down for the final count, Cal pulls out her old guilt trip number and finally, once and for all, Xena's got an answer. She gives Cal her Light, and switches places with her.

Up in the Duty-Free Zone, Gab's taking a bath while the angels look on anxiously, they think they might have to add a little bleach to the rinse water, but no, the real Gabrielle pops up all clean and her first words are "Where's Xena?"

Where's Xena, indeed—why, she's doing what she does best, rallying the troops to storm the citadel, that's where. She ain't looking so good, either, the bunny teeth are back, along with lice hair and what I suspect this time is two coats of English Oak applied with a rag mop. But her leadership skills are still up to the challenge, hell's scraggy band of forebrain-impaired imps are as ready to follow her as they were Callisto. Well, why not? They're already in hell.

Gabrielle gets her first good look at Callisto Reborn, and is not impressed. I think it's the wig, but what she says is that Callisto killed Perdicus, and while Gab forgave her for that in A Necessary Evil (the Rest of Us forgave her in Return of Callisto) apparently the bard's still holding a grudge. Peaches -n- Cream Cal doesn't remember doing any such thing, of course, but she's sorry just the same, cos she's so nice and all.

Gabrielle rounds on Michael for letting this happen, but he tells her it was Xena what did it, and anyway, they got real trouble, ain't none of them got a trank dart big enough to take out Demon Xena.

The light dawns; Gab's done Demon Xena before, she knows how scary this is, so without further ado she hashes out a plan with the Gang to handle this new threat. It apparently involves whacking Xena into little bits and scattering them to the four winds, but that's cool, it's not it would kill her or anything, well, they're both dead, technically, but not *gone* dead or we'd be taping Buffy the Vampire Slayer instead. I guess Gab kinda figured that if Xena's head were still in one piece, they could have sensitive chats through the millennia, hey, it worked with Orpheus, and who know? Xena might finally open up to her and really *talk* about her feelings.

Up on the Rock, Gabrielle's going through her own version of the big dog ordeal in order to grow a set of wings herself. Hers is different, else we'd be bored silly, she has to do shock therapy with Callisto, beats hell out of Prozac, if you ask me.

After a bit of back and forth ("You terrible person!" "I'm sorry." "Oh, okay.") Gab's all feathery and filled with light and compassion and tricked out in a really hot version of the standard breastplate and kilt ensemble.

Just in time, too—Xena and the Demons are attacking!

Gabrielle waits for Xena alone on the Pillar of the Level Playing Field. Xena starts in asking her to join her in hell, they were meant to be together, their love transcends good and evil, Gab just looks at her, everything she's ever wanted to hear and it had to be Demon Xena saying it.

Truckdriver Archangel dives on Xena from behind and loses a wing for his trouble. Michael leaps out from his hiding place and they go at it. Gabrielle draws her sword (never thought I'd type those words) and beats off several opponents. It's a major confrontation now, with a heavenly choir in the background and scores of combatants whacking away at each other. Gabrielle flies off in the confusion, drawing Xena away from the fight with Michael.

As they whale away at each other high in the stratosphere, we cut to Eli wallowing in guilt on Earth, it's his fault, all of it, back to the fight, gosh, Gab's cute, angels and demons are fighting and falling and Eli's talking and Callisto's listening to Eli, guess that's the kind of duty you draw when you're the newest angel in heaven, and X&G are doing some kind of aerial tumble manoeuvre against a pink sky, it's really pretty if a bit stilted, and Callisto appears unto Eli, telling him Love is the Way and to go back to wherever it is the others are.

Which he does, he's very obedient that way, and meanwhile X&G are slashing and hacking at each other and Xena's knocked Gabrielle out of the sky and dives after her, bending over her prone body just as Gabrielle opens her eyes and Xena reaches out to stroke her cheek, then picks her up and carries her over to the edge to go back to hell.

Eli's praying over their bodies and Cal's helping. The battle rages on—Michael sees what Xena's up to and charges her, knocking all three over the edge, good move, dude, and as they're all plummeting to certain afterlife, Eli and Callisto join magical entities and call X&G's souls back into their bodies.

They wake with a gasp (them were chilly bods, after all) and what happens to Mike and the battle is anyone's guess, and Xena and Gab turn their heads to look at each other and briefly touch fingers before sitting up painfully and I guess the battle worked out cos Michael's spirit manifestation joins Callisto's to look on as X&G come to grips with yet another back-from-the-dead thing and Cal's let to go meet her family, it's just her mom and dad (I'd'a thought her dad would come with a chin, but you can't have everything and she seems happy enough) so I guess this means her sister's been somewheres else all this time Cal was plundering and pillaging and laying waste to the countryside, maybe boarding school, and as Gab starts to shift closer to Xena Joxer steps up and touches her cheek and she just waits for him to back off before turning to Xena and saying how they'll be together for eternity and Xena agrees and Gab rests her head on Xena's shoulder as the camera zooms out and the choir goes nuts with rising "ah's" and drawn out "oh's" and that's that.

So, way cool ep, lots buttkicking and fancy effects and plenty Callisto, and major theme resolution and reaffirmation of basics and cool costumes (except for the bunny teeth, those were a bit much considering what they do to LL's diction). Dunno which major or minor religious philosophy has departed souls transforming into either angels or demons, but I did like the black wings. Wonder if LL Bean carries them...