Between the Lines

So let's just lose that thought, shall we, before I become so overcome with the hopelessness of it all I stop watching tv and instead go play on the interstate. All right, then. Happy happy joy joy, Xena's on and I'm right there, glued to the tube, wriggling like a kid at Christmas, spilling popcorn and fighting with the dog over sofa space.

Wait a minute... "What we sow in this life, we reap in our future lives. This is our karma."

That crashing sound you just heard was pericat, confronting her current Victory Garden. And being simply staggered by the size of the snails chomping on the lettuce.

It's not often, friends -n- neighbors, that you'll see me bowed under with the weight of the world... bitching about shit, you bet, I can complain mightily until the cows of India crucify themselves for Jesus, but not bloody often will you see me in despair. Mainly cos a quick ride home to Mama's and a few days spent being pampered and fussed over will do a lot to cheer any grrl.

But even so, that kinda screenshot at the top of an ep is like a Trump of Doom to any chile what has spent time in lands saturated with the Babtist Way. Ah reap whut Ah sow? What'd Ah sow lately, say, last Saturday night... Ah'm goin to hell.

[a brief pause for existential whimpering]

Okay, I've had a nice chat with my girlfriend and I feel better now. Today's ep opens with our fave duo in an Indian bazaar, in a different Indian village than last week, I'm mentioning this just in case you didn't catch the enormous differences in colouring and composition of major set pieces that distinguish this week's An Indian Village from last week's An Indian Village. For some reason Xena's trying on a new outfit. Why, I dunno. Not like she's felt any compulsion to change her clothes for four winters now, so what's... oh. Got it. Gabrielle. Nuff said.

There's some kind of commotion going on in another part of the square they're in, seems some guys are carrying out a woman perched on a palanquin. It's very peaceful and orderly, she looks quite calm and unworried, bright-eyed, alert, old enough to buy beer or vote or go home with whoever the heck she wants to... so X&G follow it cos they just know something's up, and they're right cos the chair's following along behind some guys carrying a... fiberglass mummy case?

This is downright weird, it even beats last week's display of casting the demons out. Just as X&G reach the edge of the crowd, the guys with the mummy toss the whole thing on top of a bonfire, it bounces hollowly, and this is just plain wrong. You know it, I know it, and Xena knows it. Fiberglass and fire do NOT mix in populated areas.

So when they start to follow the mummy case with the woman on the chair, Xena steps in, citing EPA regulations and pointing out, in her inimical warrior princess fashion, that the woman is still alive and thus not proper fuel for a bonfire. The dudes in the headwrappings beg to differ; they think fiberglass, wood and living flesh make a dandy mix and besides, it's a religious custom, it don't have to make sense.

You may have noticed how, in the last couple eps, there was what you might call a dearth of butt-kicking. Well, you are not alone. Xenastaff noticed it, too, and in this ep, they've decided to make up for it. In the midst of the India arc, it's back to basics. Xena and Gabrielle immediately set to rescuing the marshmallow woman (she's draped head to toe in red silk, embroidered in gold thread, how's that for a costuming choice? Subtle, huh?), and this involves, naturally, a fair amount of headbanging and kicking and staffwhacking and at one point (this is important to the overall plot, so pay attention) Xena snags a spear and stabs a huge phallic symbol with it (must be a phallic symbol, it's just too damn big to hitch Argo to, y'all remember Argo, right?) and then uses it for her freestyle parallel bar routine, garnering a swift 9.4 from the judges and a 2.3 from the lone geometer in the crowd, who can't figure how a 5 foot spear with only 2 inches of its point affixed inside a giant dildo can possibly bear the weight of one strapping warrior princess (even if she ain't preggers already).

Amidst eloquent and timeless cries of "Get them!", "Stop them!", "There they are!", X&G propel Red to safety, well, it's actually a tiny room off an alley with no other exits and they're all trapped there by the mob of barbeque enthusiasts, but it does beat burning alive. During this whole daring rescue, Red, aka Naima, exhibits about as much presence as a Woodstock attendee on the third day of the festival. She barely looks at Xena or Gabrielle, or at the mob, instead focusing (if you can call it that) on the air around them, on the sunlight striking a bit of metal, on ways to end all war through nonviolent protest, on anything but what's going on right now. Suddenly, while Xena's hunting up a way out and Gab's piling everything that's not nailed down in front of the door, Naima wakes up, looks at Xena meaningfully and starts taking her clothes off.

Well, okay, I'm sure we can all understand this reaction, but it does seem a bit out of place, considering that the door's taking some serious hits from outside. I'm not the only one that thinks so, either, Xena's not too sure about this whole thing, I mean, Gabrielle's right there in the room still, but then Naima starts in forming light bubbles and shooting off sparkly things, and Xena just looks on, wondering what she's done to deserve all this, first it was Eli the Great and Terrible Humbug and now apparently Glinda, the Good Witch of the Ganges, she's gotta be a little bit concerned about what it's all leading up to, but that's okay, the flying monkeys aren't till next ep, which gives her a bit of breathing room in between. All she's gotta cope with right at this very minute is being shot through with sparkly stuff and astrally projected into some kinda C.B. deMille epic on fastforward.

"Courage, Xena!" exhorts Naima in voiceover, just like that would help, and when next the tape slows to normal, Xena's face is morphing into that of an older Indian woman (the effect doesn't last long). This is apparently A Future Life, says so right there on the screen, in case one of those demographically crucial 14 year old boys yawned or something. The older Indian woman is standing in front of a ragtag mob talking to... Alti? Huh. It is Alti. Shucks, she don't look a day older than when she gave Pretty Baby to Evil Xena, back when she was pregnant with Solon. She must got her portrait stuck away in someone's attic, by golly, along with a few statues and a couple daguerreotypes.

Xena sorts out where she is when she sees the spear stuck in the dildo off to one side, and who she is when she catches her reflection (shows the older woman again, so we know this is really an ongoing thing instead of like with those pictures of the vase and the kissing faces) in a handily placed highly polished bronze shield (all armies have tons of these, they're lying around all over the place, and they never get dusty or bloody or even dented), and is a touch disconcerted. Seems Future Xena is in the middle of crucial negotiations when the soul train comes to a halt, which kinda puts a crimp in her bargaining skills, but no matter, time to roll titles, and a good thing too, else we'd likely be wondering why Xena's different and Alti isn't, much, and what happened to the old woman's conciousness when Present Xena moved in, and all kinds of stuff like that and lookit there... the first commercial out of the box, I swear to god, says "Xena is brought to you by The Corruptor".

You know, I just don't think I want to go there.

Back to the action, then—Alti tires of chitchat and gives the order to attack. Big fight, with fiery catapults and much smoke and confusion and Future Xena hobbles around, her every effort to take an active role thwarted. Her side is obviously getting the worst of it, and then Shakti (Indian for "Small Prince Who Should Not Try to Grow a Beard") rides onto the scene and takes command, trying for an orderly retreat. Alti skewers him with a handy crossbow (he's not dead, just got an bolt in the shoulder, this is almost as important a recurring theme as the Pinch) and then Future Xena gets in Alti's face, which seems to have some effect on that hidden portrait since Alti's features shift into that Wicked Witch countenance we all love to hate. She recognizes Future Xena and is simply thrilled to find a familiar face after all this time, and tries to make a date for lunch later in the week, but the two are swept apart by the battle and then FX is hauled off by a loyal follower ("My sword for you, Devi!" These guys are so sweet, ya know?).

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, absolutely no time has passed so Gabrielle hasn't even noticed that Xena's not there no more, not even her lifeless body or those pretty new clothes. She finishes stacking stuff against the door (furniture tally: an occasional table and an old-style icebox next to a good-sized hat box, balanced on top of a headboard, a twin, I'd say, all late Federal period). Naima, though, is there, as much of her as can be said to be anywhere, and after unsuccessfully asking Gab for an autograph, she begins pantomiming peapicking, while Gabrielle looks on, wondering if maybe the guys outside had the right idea with the bonfire after all. Then Naima does her shining lights thing and before Gab knows it, she's surrounded by a screensaver.

(In the future, Alti's growling and swaggering and torturing peasants with visions of Roman diplomacy. She wants to be the Destroyer of Nations, it's taken her how many lifetimes to get to two-bit warlord status in the Indian backwater, and Xena only took maybe three winters or so to cinch the title, I think Alti may have a little iss-ewe with her personal self-worth.)

The light show's over, and Gab says it's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen, guess she ain't seen flying toasters yet, and Naima's therapy finally kicks in and she comes out of the trance and explains about the mendhi and the terrible evil that wants Xena's soul, which is why she had to send Xena off to the future so fast she couldn't even pack a toothbrush, so's she could fight it off. Gabrielle wants to go after her and Naima says okay, but she'll need to learn about the mendhi and the kharmic cycle stuff, do a little field research and maybe write a thesis, might take a while, but that's okay, it's only heros that have to do the express route—sidekicks can take their time.

Just as the door's about to be broken down, Naima packs a lunch for Gabrielle and sticks it in the wall for her to find when she gets to the future. Then Gab's off, and next thing she knows, she sitting in Shakti's tent, in Shakti's body with Shakti's wound (Future Xena pulled the bolt and bandaged it up, used the Pinch and everything, she'd already inspected his army and scouted the area, no wonder she made Destroyer of Nations so young, Alti really should just give it up) in Shakti's clothes... well, not quite enough of Shakti's clothes for her own peace of mind, but no matter. She and Xena recognize each other right away and catch up on what's been going on while they were separated for a couple centuries that morning, and start working out a plan.

Back in town, Alti's blustering and swaggering and torturing innocent peasants, nothing's changed, and it seems the Plan is for Future Xena to distract her while Shakti-Gab leads a diversion to free the captives (did I mention the captives? did I have to? aren't there always captives, including sweet innocent girl toddlers held at knifepoint?) and one of their followers is supposed to retrieve the mendhi lunchbox from Naima's hiding place. That all goes splendidly, except for the part where Future Xena and Shakti-Gab are captured by Alti and the devoted follower takes a crossbow bolt in the gut, but he's fetched the box so that's okay. It's another mondo big fight, more fiery catapulting and Gab's really cute as she whirls and spins and kicks and punches her way down the street and Future Xena's not let to kill or even spit effectually cos it would destroy her kharma or something, guess she's already killed her quota for this millenium, and the two end up captured in Alti's tent and Alti leaves them there together, alone, cos they have to have time to work up an escape plan, and they're not tied or gagged or knocked unconcious cos Alti's the bad guy and therefore stupid, all she does is gloat about her imminent ultimate victory and taunt them with being staked out to die horribly, woman never, ever learns.

So while Alti's Boys are building these whopping stakes and digging firepits for the fish fry, Gab and Xena draw all over each other with puff paints and Naima's ('member Naima? She's, like, the Grand Architect of this whole thing, a Darsham, I'm learning so many new words, devi and darsham and karma and mendhi, wonder if PBS or CBC will ever pick up X:WP for the afternoon educational timeslot?) escorted back to the bonfire, it's all beautiful and timeless and images melt into each other, good and evil and soft-focus bodypainting, those two act like they have all the time in the world to explore each other, it's all merging and splitting and Naima's been tossed onto the flames just when Future Xena and Shakti-Gab finish up and Alti comes back into the tent and they slam her with their mendhi lights and then themselves, and emerge back in the present bursting out of the bonfire with Naima in a neato bubbly effect, not at all what the bonfire guy was thinking of when he chanted "your spirit will rise like smoke from the flame", and there's all kinds chaos and people running around and Xena's back in her own self, so's Gab, when Alti, who never changes cos she's evil, follows them out and slams Xena to the ground with visions of Painful Episodes in Xena's Past, cackling about regaining her shamaness powers while Xena lies there making notes to pick up a sports bra next time the bazaar opens.

This is what, our third, fourth buttkicking scene? It's the big one, though, Xena's taking some serious hits, she's got a Past someone like Alti can pick and choose from. Just when Xena's down and down hard, Gabrielle comes running back on the scene (for whatever looney reason, she was supposed to be taking Naima to safety, think the road must've led round in a circle, cos here they both are again) and charges Alti. Gab's future being ever so much more interesting than her past, Alti snags her up by the hair and it's Romans and mallets and snow and "You're the best thing in my life, Gabrielle" and nails through hands and feet and that rouses Xena to send her chakram through Gab's hair and break the spell. Alti's pissed now, she ain't had a blonde by the hair since Pretty Baby, and she smacks Xena with another Vision and makes her miss the returning chakram! yikes, that's gotta hurt.

Just then Naima strides confidently onto the playground, it's the OK Corral and she's Wyatt Earp, and when Alti tries her tricks on Naima, she's slammed back on her tush without Naima even breaking a sweat. Before Alti can get up, Naima starts picking peas again and the mendhi lines on Gabrielle and Xena start glowing golden. First Gab shoots Alti's body full of happy light, and Xena forms chakrams out of her mendhi and tosses them like clay pidgeons from a skeetshooter until Alti disintegrates and her disembodied and way ugly spirit self shoots off into the ether.

Then Xena drags herself over to where Gabrielle's collapsed and they hug and caress each other and the villagers come out and kneel around them in homage as Naima thanks them for taking care of Alti and gives them the lowdown on their kharmic destinies before climbing into her Glinda bubble and floating off in the sunlight. I guess that's one Indian village that'll think twice next time about tossing widows into the funeral pyres of their dead husbands.

Next day or a few hours later, X&G are all healed and Gab's got her haircut cleaned up, it's really cute and begging to be ruffled and they head out of the village. Gabrielle asks how she'll recognize Xena in a future life and Xena adds a cross to the chakram-mendhi on her foot, it's really meaningful and deep and symbolic and reassuring and essentially nonsense, but that's okay, cos nonsense is the root of all wisdom.

So there.