Chariots of War

Really! Anyway, The story starts off with Xena parking Gabrielle in a convent or something, and heading off to check the road ahead and getting her ass in a world of trouble. See, it's not always Gabrielle, or even Gabrielle's fault. Stuff just happens when you're a hero, not that I'd know anything about that.

Just before she waved bye-bye, Gabrielle was telling Xena a story about Zeus turning two lovers into oak trees, whose branches then intertwined so that they spent the rest of the their lives together. Xena's a little bit skeptical that this is so wonderful, though for different reasons than I, I think the lovers would have been better off if Zeus had left them alone entirely, hers are that the strongest trees stand alone, after being with Hercules, who wouldn't think that?

So Xena rides off, smack into a raiding party taking down a half-built settlement. The settlement had been full-built till the raiders destroyed it the first time, these settlers are slow learners, anyway, Xena drives off the bad guys but not before she gets a crossbow bolt in her side, which fells her like a mighty oak. Cue titles.

She's taken in by the ep's Sensitive Enlightened Man of the Week, Darius, you can tell cos he doesn't like her sword and also cos she has to talk him through the arrow-removal and cauterizing of the wound, and while it hurts her really badly, it horrifies him.

In the raiders' camp, the leader we saw turns out to be the second-in-command, his dad's in charge, and he's one of those dads who are never satisfied. They spar with staves on a practise log, the son wins, technically, but dad still isn't convinced his son is a worthy chip off his block. He doesn't respect women warriors, either, and is way ignorant of what Ares likes.

In Darius' house, his two little boys argue over who gets Xena's horse when she dies and wake her up. She's looking better than she did that afternoon.

(Meanwhile, back at the convent, oops, tavern, Gabrielle is getting worried. She's not got a lot of money, and can't afford anything more than water.)

While Xena's telling Darius' children a story about fighting a giant, the settlement's headman comes by and leans on Darius to send her on her way, which he doesn't want to do since she's been wounded, and it was while rescuing his youngest son, but the headman is pushing since, as it turns out, they're not just any group of settlers, but hardcore pacifist settlers and he doesn't want Xena around, he's heard about her. He's also worried about gossip, since Darius is a widower. (Did mention that Armus & Foster wrote this?)

Xena tries to leave, but just then the raiders attack again, setting fire to the silo, so between that and her not feeling quite the tree, er, warrior princess she was, she sticks on for the rest of the night.

The next day (it had better be the next day, the sun is streaming through an open window), Gabrielle comes down into the tavern from upstairs, she evidently spent the night, and some plug-ugly hits on her. He won't desist, and finally Gabrielle enlists the help of a slightly cleaner looking fellow to play he's her boyfriend, but her choice sucks so hard you know it'll come up later in the hour—it's the second in command of the raiders, (named Sphaerus, if you can believe that) who has such issues with his warlord daddy. Turns out he's not such a bad guy when left to his own devices, it's that whole "nature v. nurture" conundrum again, he's kind of sweet when he's not running dad's errands and razing settlements.

He and Gabrielle connect, until he figures out that the friend she's waiting for is the woman he had shot yesterday, makes him really uncomfortable, since Gab's so nice and understands his predicament with wanting to please his father despite his revulsion at the actual tasks dad sets him. Anyway, when he learns that she's waiting for Xena he takes off.

Darius has hidden Xena's weapons, he doesn't want her to fight Cycnus (I am not making this up, they really named a character "Cycnus", after Sphaerus I'm strongly suspecting a random name generator), since he's offered the settlers a peace treaty. Xena tells him bluntly that it's a lie, but he says that their beliefs mean they have to try any way they can to avoid bloodshed. She gets dressed to go to the meeting with Cycnus and Darius fusses about her being in leathers and armour, this is way unmannerly on his part, telling a guest how to dress, but it's an excuse to work in a costume change and Xena puts on a dress belonging to his dead wife, which is seriously symbolic and so on and so forth, and when she's putting it on we get a clear view of the small of her back, no bandages, no wound, no scar even, all I can say is, the whole warrior princess lifestyle rocks in the good health department.

Cycnus puts Sphaerus in charge of the peace meeting, enjoining him to kill all the settlers, as this would please Ares. Sphaerus is, predictably, torn, but bows his head to evil necessity.

At the meeting, he begins a speech but is taken aback when he sees Xena enter, alive. Meanwhile, Xena notices that there's an ambush set up in a back room. She rips the dress up the side, and, bright blue slippers a'twinkle (they match the dress, isn't that lucky? Her boots would have spoiled the effect.), turns the tables and routs the raiders. The headman is convinced she ruined everything, man is too stupid to live, pacifism is no path for the unthinking, that's what war is for. Darius isn't much better, back in his house Xena finds him packing. He tells her that she should have stayed out of it, they might've made a peace, and doesn't seem to listen when she points out that peace was the last thing on the minds of those raiders, he just says he has to get his children to safety. Xena goes off to change, she's really made a mess of that dress, on the bright side, Darius has stopped telling her what to wear.

In the raiders' camp, Cycnus has learned the name of the warrior woman (the headman showed up and spilled the beans; Cycnus sends him back to the settlement and tells him to wait with the rest of his flock for the slaughter, the headman might by now finally have been slapped upside the head with a clue), and also that his son failed to press an attack on the settlers. He tells his son that Xena "murdered" his brother in the attack on Corinth, she struck him from behind, which rouses Sphaerus to bloodlust finally. Dad's way happy about this.

Meanwhile, in another part of the valley, Gabrielle shows up out of absolutely nowhere, couldn't be more nowhere than if she'd been beamed down by Scotty, and hails Xena, who is riding by. She chews Xena out for being gone so long and refuses to wait anywhere else while, as she puts it, Xena "hogs all the fun."

On the beach, the chariots of the raiders, with Sphaerus & Cycnus in the lead, race along the shoreline, makes me want to get my grungy tennies and go for a walk on the beach. Why they're doing this is anyone's guess, it's not on the way to the settlement, maybe Sphaerus needs to work off some steam.

Gabrielle's telling Xena about this neat guy she met at the tavern, inadvertently insulting Xena in the process, but it seems Xena didn't hear her, her attention is elsewhere (she saw the chariots), and she makes Gabrielle get up on Argo, which Gab doesn't want to do, she's not a good rider, and Xena slaps Argo's rump to get them going as a distraction while she flanks the bad guys.

Gab and Argo end up on the beach ahead of the chariots, and now they're trying to catch her, like greyhounds and rabbits. Xena slips up to a high place on the bank, and ties a rope to a tree (I have no idea where she gets the rope, I can only assume that it's just part of being a warrior princess, you're always prepared, maybe someday I will be too.), leaping into the chariot and looping the other end around the bad guys, and they hit the sand when the rope runs out.

Meanwhile, Argo's in charge and goes her own way, it's all Gabrielle can do to stay on. Xena whips her chariot horses to catch them up with the leaders, flanks them via a shortcut, and ends up very close to Gabrielle and Argo. She makes Gabrielle jump into her chariot, if she was scared of horses before this should be sending her right round the bend. Xena critiques her form, it did suck, and the raiders get closer. They exchange sword blows (Xena's unaccountably lost her chakram, maybe it was when she was storing the rope, she put it where the chakram normally lives), and Gabrielle recognizes Sphaerus. Xena cuts the tongue from their chariot and the bad guys take a header as their horses run away; then their own chariot hits a rock, so everyone's on foot. Xena slams Gabrielle's taste in men, as well she might, and then gets into it with Cycnus. She has a very different remembrance of how his son died, she says his own men killed him when he tried to make peace, but Cycnus isn't buying.

Fortunately, Sphaerus is, and he steps between Xena and Cycnus. His father attacks him, and says he can't win, Sphaerus says he can, and throws down his sword. I'm unsure how this constitutes a winning strategy, so is Cycnus, had Xena not been there Sphaerus would for sure have lost in most uses of the word.

Just then Darius rides up with Xena's chakram, and she uses it to deflect Cycnus' killing blow, then guts him with his son's sword. His dying words to Sphaerus are that if Sphaerus'd done that, he, dad, would have died proudly. Man was a waste of oxygen. Despite his own immediate need for long-term therapy, Sphaerus gets Darius to gather the settlers again and this time offers them a real peace settlement.

Back at the tavern, where there's a big party on to celebrate the new-made peace, Sphaerus and Gabrielle have a sensitive chat and work out remaining stuff, and find closure. The headman tries to apologize to Xena, but he's lousy at that kind of thing, the corncob up his butt impedes his thinking.

Darius and his kids don't want her to leave, Darius proposes, Xena turns him down gently, she's got miles to go before she can settle down and all that. Though he's not bad looking and comes with a ready made family... still, she's beginning to realize that she already has a family in Gabrielle.

They walk off into the late afternoon, and us into the credits.

Okay, it wasn't stellar, but it really could have been a lot worse.