Devi

(Can y'all tell I'm from Texas, home of high school football as a Big Business? Other states, like Nebraska, concentrate their efforts on college ball, when all the knees that are likely to be blown have already blown, and their owners given decent jobs in furniture retail or used car lots or some such. In Texas, though, we like to think positive about the future, so we spend an inordinate amount of time speculating on the career of sixteen year old fullbacks, hoping for another Earl Campbell, please you, Jesus.)

Speaking of Jesus, I b'lieve, since this spoiler's some 6 months late, it's been mentioned a time or two about the CLOSE FAMILIAL RESEMBLANCE yon Eli has to the central figure of certain roadside black velvet repros of Leonardo's Last Supper. Well, friends, I've been stuck in this one spot for a damned long time now, pondering the entire INDIA arc and Devi in particular, and I am here to tell you, once and for all, definitively, that yeah, Eli does look a bit like Leo's Jesus. And he's wearing a flowing stripey robe affair that weren't found nowhere outside Semetic tribes of the time (pick a time, any time, it's the Xenaverse). So I think it's safe to say that he was, JUST LIKE XENA AND GABRIELLE (but not Argo, where the hell's Argo?), a furriner to this quaint little INDIAN village, aka the setting for Been There, Done That and For Him the Bell Tolls among others.

We know our grrls are in India cos, well, cos they say they are. Over and over in the opening scene. Every furkin' sentence. True, there's shots of snakes dancing to pipes, and folks walking barefoot over hot coals, and one guy knotted up in a half hitch, and cows not being shot, but let to wander all over creation, no wonder all the side streets're nothing but mud, and everyone's wearing filmy shawls and turbans and such, but the real reason we know they're not in Greece anymore is cos they CAN'T STOP SAYING SO.

I'm sorry, I'm a bit grumpy, I know. Headache. Not the ep's fault, I adored this ep, start to finish, glaring plot holes and all. The demon doggies scared me into fits, every time I watch it they do that, and Gabrielle was dazzling all through.

Anyway, so we open with X&G meandering through the marketplace and gawking at the sights, all of them so Indian they're streaming with Ganges holy water, when they come upon a mountebank performing a magic act, the sort of act that would translate from place to place, country to country... where you send Vanna White to the Land of the Spirits (or Mount Olympus, or Beth' Al, or Hell, or Tel Aviv or LAX—look, you gotta tailor this stuff for your audience, else the local Duke never notices ya, and there go your chances for the sweet life doing coin tricks at fancy parties indoors out of the rain.) and she comes back on command, except in bits and pieces, and if you work your props right, the audience is both riveted and grossed out. Then you wave your hands and Vanna pops out of a trunk while go-go dancing boys undulate in the background and if you pass the hat at this moment, why, you clean up big.

It's a sure thing, trust me. I'd be digging in my secret pockets for someone who could do a gig like this.

What you want to watch out for, though, if you're in this business, is actually managing to send Vanna to the Land of the Spirits (or LAX, wherever) where she might actually be POSSESSED BY A DEMON, cos (trust me) that kind of thing royally fucks up the timing of the second part of the act. The local Duke is not gonna want to employ someone who might infest his parties with demon-possessed assistants. It's just plain bad for business.

So when Eli's Vanna returns from the Other World with more souls than she started the day with, he's naturally a bit concerned. And when she starts hissing and twirling swords in the manner of Gingsu chef approaching a shark, he is, in my opinion, perfectly correct in breaking character and asking for help.

It makes ya think, though. Think about What Would Have Been had Xena and Gabrielle NOT been there, with their prior experience in dealing with demons and such. I can't help but think it would have changed the world, not to mention been unpleasant for Eli. Think about it with me: Tataka would have entered the world, sucked in legions of followers (she's like that) and then marched east and south to Greece and gone head to head with Dahok.

It's like a bowl game between Nebraska and Miami: really hard to know who to root for. I mean, they're both the Anti-Christ. Of course, (it's my spoiler, I can tangent if I want to) if it's the State championship between Odessa-Permian (they feed those boys extra meat, I know they do) and the Katy Tigers, then we all know the chant is "GooooooooooOOOOO, Tigers!" (If anyone cares, I did my HS years in Killeen, when there wasn't but one high school and the mascot was the Kangaroos... cheering for Kangaroos will give a child a real and lasting appreciation for variety and differences in this world... I think I'm done tangenting. No bets though.) But Tataka and Dahok... it's really hard to care enough to move the channel off All My Children, know what I mean?

So anyway, all that's moot since Xena and Gabrielle are right there, and willing to do their Greater Good act. They tag team proto-Vanna, Xena doing the actual spin -n- toss and Gabrielle doing the sensitive chat thing, once Vanna's on the ground and writhing unarmed. Meanwhile, Eli speaks the magick words "Abba, help me" with all the conviction of a shepherd looking down at a flock of dead and diseased sheep surrounded by wolves, just before Vanna spin-bounces off his torso, this is a plot point, just make a note of it here, and next thing you know, Gab's kneeling beside Vanna right when Tataka (weighing the odds and going for the quarterback sneak) exits Vanna's body.

Suddenly, Gab's being hailed by the populace at large as a "Devi". If you wanna know what a Devi really is, ask deb7. I can't remember, hell, it's all I can do to remember to re-oil my chain after riding in the rain. Anyway, in the context of the Xenaverse, I'd say a Devi is one who has some special influence over the manifestation of demons in middle earth. And who can make sick people feel better. I would spend a few paragraphs wondering why the two seem to go hand in hand in every darned religion in the world, but then I need to oil my chain.

Somewheres in there we had the opening titles and credits and such like, so if anyone's clocking my verbage vs. ep start time, well, there ya have it.

So, on with the plot! There's this priest dude, who shows up the second the crowd says Gab's a Devi (Vanna feels better and staggers offscreen. We never see her again, unless she's the one who turns out to be a Darsham in Between The Lines.) The priest dude makes with the ominous portents talk and in an attempt to regain prestige, accuses Eli of having brought all this on them. Well, he did, I guess. But he didn't mean to! Not that it matters; once folks tar you with the demon-summoning brush, you can't get clean ever, even in the Ganges.

So now Gab's the Fox of the Year, and Eli's scum, and Xena's... well, um, kinda in the background. (Don't worry though, Xena don't do trophy wife.) There's wheels within wheels as we find out when the crowd hounds Eli into hiding. Xena helps him get away while Gab distracts the crowd. They disappear into a little prop hut, one of those with a false bottom or rear wall or maybe, just maybe, Eli's a REAL MAGICIAN! And he disappeared them both to the land of Oz! It could happen!

Not in this ep, though. So, with Eli and Xena gone, the stage belongs to the Gabster, and the crowd forgets their bloodlust long enough to fawn mindlessly over her. Meanwhile, Xena and Eli jog into the local temple (y'know, Indian temples ain't decorated a bit like churches I grew up avoiding. Heck, if I'd seen tits like that on a statue of the Virgin Mary, I might've... tangented quite early in my young life.)

(Did I just blaspheme two religions in one sentence? Oh, well.) Eli asks Xena how Gabrielle managed to cast the demon from Vanna, cos he's like, majorly eaten up with jealousy, it's been a dream of his since he were a sprat to chuck devils around in the big leagues, like Earl Campbell, and he even tries to hypnotise her to get the Answer. Since, a) Xena ain't got the answer and b) Xena don't hypnotise, he's screwing up badly here. But Xena's learned something since Illusia, and she forgives him.

Back in the marketplace, a passing group of Hawaiian tourists has draped a lei over Gabrielle's head, and the crowd is still insisting she's a Devi. Several of them swear fealty to her right there, and all the while the priest dude is muttering darkly to himself away off on the steps of a building opposite. When he gets tired of it all, he ducks into the temple and confronts Xena. She tells him to watch his back, cos he's such a mean-spirited kinda guy. We don't see him alive again. Hm.

That night, Gab and Xena have a sensitive chat about what it means to be a minor diety. Xena seems a tad worried, maybe Gabrielle don't smell right, I dunno. But she's not jumping whole-heartedly on the 'my sword for you, Devi' bandwagon. I think she's wondering how all those guys from the marketplace are gonna fit on Argo (remember Argo?) when they hit the road again.

Comes the dawn, and Xena ain't slept a wink. She wakes Gabrielle (who was only pretending to sleep anyway... hm.) and they go out on the balcony on their way to breakfast, and the crowd below goes nuts. Gab seems to be eating it all up, all the attention, and does her When In Rome On Board Ship pose, except smiling. Xena dashes off to fetch Eli, they're gonna take him with them to make sure he's safe, but when she gets to the temple, all that's there is the priest dude. Swinging in the breeze. Suddenly Eli appears out of a shadow and Xena collars him, cos she thinks he might've had something to do with the priest's sudden loss of vitality, but maybe not. Well, she doesn't treat him much like a suspect, but she's not letting him wander off either. They go hunting for Gabrielle (leaving the priest right where he sways, maybe they think a hanging body completes the entire temple décor motif), and spot her surrounded by worshippers and bodyguards, then suddenly just by worshippers. Hm. Xena runs off (she does a lot of that) to track them, and Eli and Gab lock eyes for a long beat, before Eli takes off in a full-scale, witless scared retreat.

Now, how many times have we ever seen anyone so frightened of the Gabster they break and run? Hm.

He thinks he's got safe away, but then there's a growling behind him, sounds like a pack of hungry lions filtered through a megaphone, and he's set upon by a pack of (mangy curs) DEMON DOGGIES, they chase him and then him and Xena (she finds him, do not ever try to elude the Warrior Princess) through alleys and byways and clotheslines all draped with whatever bolts of cloth N'gila hadn't already used up on the extras.

(I'd swear that the lead doggie is the same one from the opening scene of A Family Affair. Really gives me warm fuzzies, it does, knowing Xenastaff goes to such trouble to ensure that everyone in NZ has steady work.)

Even though the doggies are demons they're not too bright. Persistent, but not bright. Xena and Eli confound them at every passage, dropping laundry on them, leaping over their heads, slipping into side canyons while the posse carries straight on to the river, then finally emerging onto a main street, where, wonder of wonders, Gabrielle has just accepted an urn full of pearls from a worshipper. Eli runs full tilt into her as the doggies slink off and knocks them all over the street. They lock eyes again, then Eli loudly pleads with her to "heal" him. He even manages a levitation bit, and sets it all to her credit before jogging off, claiming he's been healed and so keeping the crowd from ripping him into bits. Gab just stares at him the whole time.

Xena catches up with Eli in the temple again (no sign of the priest) and he fills her in on a bit of Indian demon lore, and makes the connection between the doggies and the disappearing bodyguards. There's a painting on the wall of Tataka, blond, bedecked in pearls, evil to the core even though she did healing works. Xena studies it. Hm.

Just in case you blinked or anything, that shot fades into one of Gabrielle, all done up JUST LIKE THE PAINTING in pearls and a crown and a tip to continuity: a Blinding White Beaded Wonderbra, and sitting in the middle of the marketsquare in a ritual pose. Wasn't ten minutes since Xena'd last seen her, either, looking normal and cute, so it's no wonder she's a bit surprised when she comes out of the temple.

Hm.

So that evening Xena and Gab have a little chat about her new look, and Gab's seriously defensive ("I am not a demon! I AM A HUMAN BEING!") , Xena doesn't know what to do with her so she hugs her, and then we cut to the temple where Eli's hiding and one of the bodyguards attacks him. Demonically, but still with the kicking and punching and body-tossing we know and love, and Xena shows up before he gets seriously hurt and holds the demonguard at bay while exhorting Eli to squirt her waterskin at him. (It's full of the Ganges holy water from the font in the temple.) Lo! the demon burns and writhes and dies under the water when Eli uses it, which means he's the Devi, which is why the demon doggies were all over his magical butt, and that means that Gabrielle has been possessed by Tataka, the demon from the opening scene, AND HAS BEEN TATAKA ALL ALONG! Yikes! Subtly biding her time, fooling with Xena's head, healing the sick to win them over to her nefarious schemes, and all the while trying to eliminate the only threats to her, the priest and Eli.

Xena goes back to their room and tricks the demon into revealing herself, and now she knows the gig is up, Tataka emerges in all her Madonna glory, hissing and vamping fit to kill, and then next thing ya know, it's full daylight and Eli's running through the woods (looks like he's already in Ch'in; that boy can really sprint through the backfield) and Xena after him and they have a little chat about how he promised to stay and heal Gabrielle and here he is running like a dog and he pleads incurable congenital wussiness so she makes him tell her how to do an exorcism and returns by herself to confront Tataka-Gab.

Finally, after a bit more this -n- that, (the exorcism thing went bad, too complicated a plan, right at the top of the scene), we get to the butt-kicking. The market square, being large and mostly cleared is really the perfect place for this, also cos it's got neato trademarked Indian-type dangerous things like beds of coals in one corner and a bed of nails in another, just like all Indian villages, and Tataka-Gab lures Xena out by having her followers beat the tar out of innocents, and they go at it, Tataka at one point distracting Xena by rubbing her (Gab's) hands all over Gab's tits and then licking Xena's face, burning her cheek, something I'll bet would make Xena think twice about future snuggles under the blankets by the campfire, and then they trade kicks and punches, with Tataka-Gab scoring major boxing points. In one sequence Xena tosses her high in the air and she slams into an awning and slides the length of it, timing her descent so that she ends up flying and landing right beside a couple of snake charmers OBLIVIOUSLY CHARMING SNAKES THROUGHOUT THE SCENE, and does a little dance with the cobras before returning to whale the tar out of Xena some more, but then Xena gets the upper hand and next thing you know, Tataka-Gab's on her back with Xena standing above her, sword drawn.

Just when Xena's gonna do it, skewer Gab, she's torn up about it, but it's the only way, Eli races in and stops her. He's found some guts somewheres, for the moment anyway, and is ready to give it a go. Xena wrestles Tataka-Gab up to the podium where Eli is and puts the pinch on her, and thus begins the longest 30 seconds in Xenaverse history to date. I think this rivals the 30 Seconds of Pinch Time in Adventures in the Sin Trade 2, since you can't count the time the Littlest Amazons spent in the Spirit World, helping Xena whup up on Alti.

So Tataka-Gab's choking, immobilised pretty much, leaving Xena and Eli free to discuss ways and methods of exorcism, the philosophical and theological and personal implications of Eli being a Devi and how he's gonna live with that, and what if he isn't, really, and who they each like in the Cotton Bowl this year, and finally after working through his Devi-to-Greek, Greek-to-Devi phrasebook, Eli comes up with the magic phrase, "Abba, help me!" which I think really means "If the draw play don't work, we'll have to punt." And that does the trick, Tataka screams out of Gab, thinks briefly about infesting Xena, decides she's not really feeling up to it this millineum and shoots off for the Land of the Spirits and a warm bath with maybe some hot cocoa later.

And Xena takes the pinch off Gab and pulls her into her lap and kisses her cheek and it's so tender you know the credits are gonna roll pretty quick.

Next day they all say bye to each other, Eli going one way and X&G going another, Gab's still wearing the saffron get-up she had, minus the pearls and the Blinding White Beaded Wonderbra, and nobody in town pays a lick of attention to any of them, you'd think they went through this every day. Actually, from Gab's lack of chatter about it, you'd think she barely noticed she'd spent the last couple days possessed. I'd've thought it'd be like having tapeworms or crabs, you couldn't help but notice something was up, but maybe not.

And not one word about what the deal was with the priest, if anyone cut him down or burned his body or even noticed he was missing. I guess it's like Xena said it was, guy like that's gotta have a lot of enemies.

So, all in all, way cool brainy ep, with just enough butt-kicking. No visionary flashes this time, so we get a break from snowy Romans and crosses and things, but don't worry, there's always next time.