Heart of Darkness

(this time without the ponies) but she still struck out. On the other hand, she looks good to go for at least 900 years, woman's got more lives than a barnfull of cats, so there's that.

I'm gonna try something different this ep. Normally I watch these all through once and then do a stop and start with the tape while I'm writing. This time, though, what with one thing and another, I ain't got time for that. So I'm just gonna blast on through, and if it sucks, well, I'm very very sorry.

We open with quickie flashes of random bits from last week. I see no reason to dwell on this part. "Bob, last week while Xena wasn't looking, we replaced Amphipolis with a portal to Hell. Lets see if she notices..." Moving on to new stuff, the real ep opens with more of the Mike and Raph Heavenly Moments. In an attempt to liven up the presentation, the director has prevailed upon Mikey to strike a dramatic pose. The tremendous effect of this is somewhat weakened when one notes that Mike still doesn't so much as twitch an armpit hair. Raph tries to upstage him by wriggling his eyebrows meaningfully, and it would have worked except Mikie bribed the camera for a closeup just then.

You would think, as easy on the eyes as Lucifer is, that he would draw focus when he appears. On a nearby cloud. Okay, semi-nearby. Unfortunately, he swallows his lines. Well, if I had to say 'em, I'd swallow too. M&R have been grousing about how since Xena opened the portal to Hell... XENA???? Dammit, that was just last week! Where the hell is the continuity crew, on strike with the rest of LA? EVE opened that portal, by gosh and by golly. With her own two milk-white hands, she slapped that flagstone. All's Xena did was kill Mephistopheles. I suppose one could argue that killing the King of Hell "opened" the way for Hell to dribble out onto Earth. Weaselers.

Anyway, Lucifer mumbles about how he's the grease on the flagpole and they don't get no slicker'n him, and he'll take care of this little problem for them. Mikey and Raph think that's just fine, so they give Lucifer all the rope he'll take.

Unfortunately, it's not enough rope to let him actually touch ground next time we see him. Next scene is Gabrielle (back in her way-hot Chakram leather) and Eve in Mummy's back yard, aka the Hellmouth, chatting about this and that, and Lucifer appears. Gabrielle gives him a look, as well she might, I haven't seen anything quite to compare since the last Gold Rush documentary where the stevedores on the docks are strapping up cows into the crane slings, and the crane swings each cow up and over to the waiting ship... Lucifer's got that same look about him, like a cow hung out over the Bay. Lesson for the kidlings—if you wanna look in control, don't lock your knees.

So we got Lucifer hanging like fuzzy dice from the eternal rearview mirror, and that in itself should be enough to tell you, we're in for a true evening's entertainment. Pop some corn, childrens!

Lucifer tells Gabrielle and Eve that he's there to do what Eve knows must be done. First Eve's heard of it. G&E run for Xena, who's fooling with Argo II (Yay! Argo! Wahoo!) in front of the tavern and brushing off a grateful villager. Lucifer beams down in the scene with them all and the butt-kicking gets started a tad earlier than usual. He's got a nasty GreenLight fireball toss (ooooh, visual clews here), but Xena's smarter and ultimately, it's brains that win out. While they're sparring (no shots go anywhere near Argo II, whew, actually, I think Argo II went for coffee when Lucifer beamed in) we get the basic plot for the ep: Lucifer's acting all holier than Xena, but he ain't, and she's just the gal to make that plain to all. Seven deadly sins there be, and Xena can count just as good as anyone. Never mind that about there being no foundation nor backstory nor nothing to ease the birthpangs of the 7ofInfinities' appearance in this mythos—it should suffice that they are there and Xena knows their names. It'll have to, since that's how this ep is. There's some very nice banter in between the clinches. Notable aside: as Eli's Messenger, Eve disclaims all knowledge and implied support of Lucifer's doings. That should have been a lightbulb for our feathered friend here, but he ain't that bright. Just think—an archangel dumber than Eve. Personally, I don't think Xena even needs to loosen the chakram this ep. She could make do with a dinnerplate. That would be prideful, though. And likely gluttonous.

Xena's got Lucifer's number (seven; you got that now?) and the titles roll just as she's poised to take him out for the long count. While they're rolling, let's us do a rundown on the seven deadlies... piss shit damn motherfucker cocksucker tits ass—wait, that's not quite it (though it should get me censored rather thoroughly). Well, anyway, we're up to PRIDE already.

Back to the story, Xena, Gab and Eve have a quickie confab while Lucifer plays with the bar fittings in what's left of Mom's tavern. Eve says it ain't fittin' to tease an archangel into falling, Xena counters with noting that he's ripe for teasing and does she want her mama to be Queen of Hell? This shuts Eve up, for a Heavenly Messenger she's surprising quiet when it might count for something, for that matter, she shoulda been the first down the portal pit back in last ep, 'steada leaving it all for Mommy to work out. (sigh) Growing up is so hard nowadays, so many temptations and all.

So Xena starts off with taking Lucifer on a picnic date to... Aiden's Paradise, looks like. Can't be anywhere around Amphipolis. And they chat about earthly pleasures and Xena lays it on thick as hot patch tar flattering that boy. And feeding him a teeny drumstick. With the skin off, yet. Bet this is the GLUTTONY bit. And it slips so easy into the ENVY segment, with chat about how Lucifer wants to be a Seraphim and he ain't got the notice he deserves, him being so wonderful and all, and Lucifer's eating this up, at least, till Xena says the word "envy", then he's all on guard. But she distracts him with offers of "flesh in all its forms". Xena:Warrior Pimp? Ew.

Back in town, Eve's been trying to preach to the masses but they won't listen to her. She thinks this is because the Hellmouth is drawing people to it, and feeding their dark sides and blackening their hearts. I think it's because masses don't like being preached at. Occam's Razor doesn't apply in this show though, and when Eve and Gabrielle come across Virgil beating the devil out of (or into, who knows?) another boy while the crowd cheers, Eve seems to think this supports her theory. She keeps looking at people and seeing black coals where their hearts should be. For her next trick, she'll leap tall buildings with a single bound.

The plot advances in some fashion, as Virgil gets in Gabrielle's personal space and Xena gets in Lucifer's. Dunno which sin an Egyptian massage represents, but I'm sure it woulda got Robby Tapert at least 40 Hail Mary's. Lucifer still wants to off Xena, but his fatal flaw is that he doesn't mind getting off on her first. That's serious hubris, disrespecting your opponent like that.

Eve, in her copious spare time, creates a free-standing fish symbol in the smithy, out of old ploughshares no doubt, and takes it to the local First Temple of Eli where she is interrupted by Lucifer making fun of her for asking for help. Their little chat is broken up when the party comes in—Xena and her undulating girls and boys have decided that the Temple has the best dance floor of any structure left standing in Amphipolis. Eve denounces them (I think she favoured the tavern, maybe it has a mirrorball), sees black hearts everywhere, even in Mommy's breast. So Gabrielle coldcocks her with the fish thingie (maybe it's part Kryptonite). Gab's heart is black too.

Okay, so now the orgy starts in earnest. Gab's all over Virgil, Xena and Gab dance, then Virgil cuts in, then Lucifer, more Gab and Virg, more Xena and Lucifer, dancing and drinking and nibbling bare chests, it's just like one of my parties except for it being in a temple and them having a way cooler sound system. This is the LUST bit, I'd never have guessed except Xena mentioned it. This time Lucifer does something different—every other temptation, he felt the pull but resisted. When Lucifer gives in, though, the clock strikes midnight and Xena turns into a pumpkin as Mikey and Raph beam in to salvage something of the mess their boy's made.

[Weird Programming of the Month Award goes to whichever station this is for scheduling just after this segment a commercial featuring, I kid you not, two adults dressed up as giant green and gold caterpillars singing "the itsy bitsy spider" song.]

Well, it was time for some butt-kicking, after all. Lucifer hangs back as Gab & Virg are disarmed and Xena takes out a squad of backup angels and then fights Mike and Raph to a standstill out by the GreenSlimePit. Then Lucifer joins with M&R, until Xena reminds him that his God ain't exactly known for dishing out fair rewards for services rendered. With his help, Xena thwarts M&R and then they head back into the tavern. Well, okay, they start celebrating first but Gabrielle clocks Xena on it before the necking gets out of hand and they then head back into the tavern. In a brief chat, we find out that the plan has been all along for Xena to persuade Lucifer into the Hellmouth in her place and Gab's been in on it all this time. Eve hasn't, or doesn't want to be, so when she awakens and remonstrates with Mumsie over her tactics, Xena makes plans to do for her as well.

Lucifer is so hot to trot by now he makes Borias look like a monk. Xena says it's no go till Eve's out of the way. Eve learns of this through her super-hearing powers, or Eli tells her, or she listens at the door, we don't know which and just have to deal, and takes off like a bat out of Austin through the woods all hunted folks of the Xenaverse run through when there's dogs or Xena chasing them. She ends up at Lao Ma's tavern, no, wait, it looks more like the First Temple of Eli again, where two swords await her on the altar (hm. did Eli put them there? or was it.... SATAN?? X:WP won't answer this question for us, we must each find the answer in our hearts. or coals. X:WP is really deep that way). Virgil and Gabrielle are there too, hanging around and trying out a quiet two-step dip move for the next party and they "capture" her as Xena and Lucifer come in.

She shakes them off and grabs the swords and fights Lucifer, who whups her pretty quick. Just as he's about to chop off her head, Xena intervenes, saying that honour belongs to Gabrielle, her partner with whom she's shared more than Lucifer will ever understand. Well, don't that just chap his kilt. He gets all pissy and Xena calls it WRATH and whaddaya know—he transforms into a demon right there. A butt-ugly one, too.

Big fight, he swoops back and forth over her head and they wail away at each other and Xena distracts him with a shiny serving plate. He gets a good look at his new self and realizes that no amount of facial moisterizing nor even Gab's own lip gloss will ever help, and Xena uses that moment to knock him ass over teakettle into the fiery pit that conveniently opens up right there in the Temple, must be one of them roving Portal things, like on Star Trek.

Eve's all happy that Xena's back to normal, so is Gabrielle, so is Virgil happy to be back to what passes for normal for him, and Gab is still needing reassurance over the X/L kissysnugglything, which Xena is happy to provide and Gab relaxes and everyone is just fine.

So, fairly cool ep. Better than last week, anyway. I'm still not sure where Lucifer experienced GREED or any of the others whose names I don't know since I'm not Catholic or even Christian and haven't been near any of that stuff in a coon's age. Character motivations were a tad thin, and plot devices a tad thick. Still, the dialogue and bantering were back up to par. And as I thought, no chakrams were tossed, or even readied to hand. That in itself should say something about Lucifer's merit as an opponent. (Yeah, I know she got into this mess by killing Kings of Hell, she's not gonna get out of it by killing potential Kings of Hell, but that there chakram's got more than just the on/off settings, after all. It's got a variable-speed drill plus reverse, you know. And it'll froth the milk. So there.)

I'll take it. I'm not greedy, myself. Or wrathful. Or jealous. Or even terribly choosy.