In Sickness and in Hell

Rabbits and fungus and lice, oh my! Somehow, it's not got quite the same fear-inspiring ring as the original chant, but t'will do, t'will serve, it'll have to, there's naught else going.

So, y'all gather round the campfire and pass the marshmallows. Now tell me true—haven't you ever wondered how Xena and Gabrielle managed to rough it across Greece and half the Known World, hoofing through swamps and bogs and putting up with inns and waystations not inspected or maintained by Spirit 76? Without, you know, getting a little... under the weather?

No?

Really?

Can't be true. Just can't be. (sigh) Never mind that—Armus and Foster will go there, heck, they'll go places I never dreamed of going, just cause they can. And if they don't get all the way, by golly, that sound dude is waiting to finish the journey for them.

It's not just the talking lice, either. (the talking lice are a highlight, by the way. Can't say I didn't warn you.) Or even the Belly Trumpets of Doom. I gotta tell ya: Gab's got the noisiest fungus I've ever heard. Everytime she tugs at a slice of it, why, it sounds like she's ripping saran wrap off.

Oh, you want me to get on with the plot and stuff, huh? There is a plot, you know. Well, technically speaking. There's this village being menaced by Scythian raiders, on account of they got stuff the Scythians want, and since the Scyths wouldn't be caught dead saying, "Please, may we have some more?" they're naturally trying to get the stuff by force. So the village elders, being brainy and such like, hired Joxer to protect them.

(The stuff all this fuss is about is Greek fire. According to the Scyths, if you got this stuff, you rule the world. Think of it: the entire world is supposedly ruled by some village that would pay Joxer protection money.)

Joxer, whatever you might say about him (hairless geek) knows when he's outclassed (by the talking lice, if you want my opinion) and subcontracts the job to Xena and Gabrielle. Who're in the area looking for Argo. And just happened to have picked up all kinds ailments from trekking through Okefenokee to get there.

So they do their village-defence thing while trying to get well, and Argo's captured by the Scyths and Xena tries to rescue her, but she likes it there and won't go with Xena, who smells funny and whose passengers insist on shouting raucously at inopportune moments, which would offend any proper horse, and Joxer gives first X&G, then the village, then the Scyths, then finally himself some kinda swamp water fever by making soup from the local water (and this is after boiling, that's some kinda tough bacteria, you know it must be the real owners of the Greek fire), and Argo decides to kiss and make up with Xena and Xena whups the tar out of the Scyth leaders in hand to hand combat while their little army is all doubled over with the flux and everyone's happy.

Really.

That's the plot. (Would I lie?) It's very funny. No, I howled! I did! There's some great moments in there—Gab is delicious, even when all over fungi'ed, as she rubs up against anything rough trying to scratch where it itches, and her facial expressions when she's talking to Xena about catching the rabbit are priceless. Then later when she's trying to get Joxer to untie her hands (Xena tied her up to keep her from scratching so much, at least not on her chakram, at least, that's the story she feeds Joxer, just nod your head and don't actually drink anything either of 'em gives ya), she works ordinary dialogue into genuinely funny stuff, just with her expressions alone. (And then she throws up on him. I've been waiting for two seasons for Gab to express her true feelings for Joxer, and now she finally has.)

And her fight with the Killer Rabbit is a keeper. A ballet of Spring's Awakening, if you watch it in slo-mo. Do so everytime you find yourself focusing on the sounds of gut rumbles loud enough to herald monsoon season in Thailand. You'll be glad you did.

And then there's Joxer. We learn something about Joxer in this ep, something that finally explains what we've all been wondering about him since he first appeared, and that is, how in the name of all that's sacred could such a loser manage to stay alive?

And the answer is, he's incredibly lucky. There's a fight scene in the village where the Scyths descend upon the town and Xena and Gab and Joxer are the only ones who can oppose them. Xena and Gab are their usual butt-kicking selves, but occasionally the camera catches Joxer fighting... sort of. Attackers somehow miss him, or hit each other instead, and he ends up still on his feet. 'Member in King Con where he won all that money? And lived through one of the nastiest beatings I've ever cheered through? Well, now we know. Joxer: Teflon Warrior.

So, bottom line is, funny ep. Learning experiences. Character growth. (No wait, that last should be growths on characters.) Do not watch anywhere near mealtime, though. The nicest pot roast I've had in quite a long time turned to ashes in my mouth during the Interrogation Scene, as Gabrielle of the Dentist's Mouth leaned over the prisoner and drooled her way through the questions. Not a screen capture moment, I'm afraid.