Paradise Found

and "REGAINED", so I guess it's just one of those little mysteries of the human psyche that I really would druther not have analysed, thankyouverymuch.

Tonight's little gem opens with Sturm und Drang, which makes it danged hard to see the full moon, so you kind of have to just take it on faith that the moon is full, it's the Xenaverse, of course it is. Pan over to A Cave, past the rockslide where Callisto was buried, and into a nice, warm, cozy, yet surprisingly spacious and clean cave, with way good ventilation and possibly a hot spring in the back, no wonder the local legends say the place is holy; looks like Valhalla from where I sit.

Gabrielle, still damp from the storm outside and wrapped in drying furs, is concentrating on threading a needle by firelight. (hey, you try it—takes serious effort and can make ya cross-eyed) while talking to Xena about a little set-to they'd had earlier with a band of thugs. Gabrielle approaches Xena with her threaded needle and commences sewing up a rip across her left thigh. For a change, in this and subsequent scenes, they've actually got a paid continuity person who makes sure that it's always the left thigh that was hurted and not a little ping-pong coin-flip thing, depending solely on which thigh is most photogenic for a given scene.

Am I being tacky? Likely. Blame it on this nasty knife wound I've recently sustained in the act of subduing a vicious pork chop a couple evenings ago, and now I can't hardly type and lord! it's irritating. Just another push, and I'd start dissing my mama, that's how irritating it is.

Where was I? Okay, so Gab's stitching up this wound of Xena's (it's gross, too) and tweaking her about her attitude toward fighting (she likes it. so do we. keeps the ratings up, bard—don't scare the cash cow, here.) and looking JUST LIKE HOPE when she does it. I had chills, I did. Goosebumps. Thought for a second Gab was possessed by sparkly things and Hope would take over and leap on Xena, wielding a lethal needle with Daddy dancing in the flames of their campfire.

Instead, we get a sensitive chat, cos it wasn't Hope after all. Just a trick of the firelight. Gab hints rather broadly that Xena has a real good time offing people and maybe the Greater Good isn't ALWAYS her focus in the heat of battle, this is, like, a huge revelation, right, sure. Well, it is to Xena, who hasn't quite grasped that altruism is something to strive for, however impossible it is to attain, and she cops to the charge, sort of. You can tell cos she snatches the needle from Gab and finishes the job herself.

Then, while Gab's sloooowly getting dressed, she utters the plot synopsis line of the ep: "Instead of reaching out, maybe we should be looking in." Cue thunder... ready flashback... cue flashback. Maybe it's just me, but I think Xena might just be a tad obsessed with this whole BEING NAILED TO CROSSES BY ROMAN SCUM vision thing, I mean, if it were me, having been shown my impending NASTY, BRUTAL DEATH, I might find it hard to concentrate on the here and now (HALF-NEKKID BARD), but sheesh! Xena's got to the point of a puppy salivating at the ringing of a bell—all ya gotta do is say something pithy and thoughtful about the Meaning of Life and the Universe, and off she goes to the land of snow and ethereal music and soldiers with whopping big mallets.

Apparently, Gab feels the same way I do about this whole psychic glitch of Xena's, she's the one on the spiritual journey here, dammit, and Xena doesn't even blink during her strip-tease routine, this relationship needs work, but before we can get to the really sensitive part of the sensitive chat sequence, where Gab kisses Xena's owwie and surrounding bits and the fire dies down slowly and Missy types "**********', Xena hears a noise. At least, she acts like she does and Gab plays along with her and goes off to investigate, since Xena's got a bum leg and might have to be shot in the morning if it don't get better. A whole two seconds elapse before Xena becomes seriously concerned about Gab's well-being and limps after her. Right at the point where Gab went off-screen, Xena finds a big ol" bard-sized bottomless pit just opened up, twenty feet to the north and it would've swallowed them and their bedrolls and maybe even Argo, wherever Argo is, and she knows right off, cos heros are smart, that Gab didn't walk around the pit and down to the corner 7-11 for a six-pack and some smokes. So Xena tosses her torch down the pit to see if she sees anything bard-like clinging to the side, at least, I hope that's why she does it. Did I say heros were smart? Oh, well. Anyway, to show there's no hard feelings about the torch thing, Xena jumps into the pit her own self.

Next thing we know, someone's upped the primary colour quotient of the scenery and added a lot of chirping birds and budding trees and lots of happy little woodland creatures... okay, it's just a tortoise and a bunny rabbit. But you know, their very singularity (ain't that a high-toned phrase?) imbues them to the Plimsoll line with meaning and symbolism and all kinds of stuff like that there. ('Sides, the bunny rabbit's a blonde. And the tortoise is armored. Hm.) We can tell right off that this is gonna be one of the brainier X:WP eps, but there'll still be some butt-kicking, don't worry.

Xena's sitting up on the greensward, beside Gab, who's still groggy, (I think the torch missed her) and notices that her wound's gone, not even a scar, and this just ain't natural, it takes more than a few minutes and a dive into a bottomless pit to heal these things, I know cos of my recent epic struggle with that killer pork chop, not that I dived down any pits or anything, there's none around here. I did jump off a curb, though. Okay, it was more of a hop. Didn't help.

They get up and look around, Gab wondering, Xena suspicious (lookit, Ma—character summaries in one word apiece!) and remark on how it looks like Illusia (to bring the point home, Lo Duca mixes in a few phrases from Bitter Suite), except without the singing and Rushing Waters and lip-locking with Callie and naked Gab (maybe that's why Xena was so indifferent in the cave earlier; you know, for a nice, well-brought up girl, that bard's been shucking her duds every opportunity she's had for the last few eps. Maybe it's that shrinking BGSB. Maybe it is enchanted.)

While Gab sniffs flowers and tries to learn the language of the birdies, Xena pulls her sword and flushes a mad hatter out of the brush. This guy's a real nutcase, but he does know where they are and directs them to the main building on the campus, where if they hurry they can register for night courses. Once they get inside, they find the main hall's been decorated by the kind of statuary you know was selected by an art committee, after much wrangling and back-biting and the forced resignation of two of the members. Their advisor, Aiden, comes in while they're looking at the statues (they're blue. and faceless. more symbolism. sigh. butt-kicking, anyone?) and he's dressed funny and talks funny and Xena isn't happy at all with him, but the courses are free so she simmers down a bit while he goes on about inner peace and beauty and harmony. And, of course, hot tub privileges.

Gab eats it all up, and signs on immediately for the full program—Breathing 101, Meditation 103A, Babbling 301 (she placed out of the first year), anything, just lead her to the baths, it's time to get naked and wet again, must've been what? 20 minutes since her last shower? Faced with a bard pining for warm scented pools, Xena can't do anything but root through saddlebags for the soap.

Gab luxurates and Xena crabs, then Gab pulls her grumpy old warrior over to where she can rub the kinks out of her shoulders. There's actually some dialogue in here, but I do confess it took several run-throughs for me to follow any of it. Seems that, despite her earlier gung-ho attitude, the bard doesn't trust Aiden entirely, but she is intrigued by what he's apparently accomplished, especially the part where Xena's leg was healed, and wants to learn how he does what he does.

Xena's still skeptical, but she gets into the shoulder thing. At least, until there's a noise at the door (a huge yin/yang round thing, can't get enough symbols this ep). Xena opens it, wearing only a few drops of water, and the little guy from the bushes (Gar) falls to the floor. He's brought clothes for Gab, since he knows about the BGSB enchantment and wants her to try to stay dressed for the rest of the ep.

You can tell, from the way he doesn't look at Xena, that he wishes he'd brought a second set.

After that, the training stuff really gets started, with Gab and Aiden in the main hall, in front of a round window looking out to distant mountains, and the whole room's apparently built on top of a turntable, since the camera continuously swings slowly around and around and back and forth and around and I got quite seasick and was really glad for those cut-aways to Xena doing her own getting-in-touch-with-her-inner-warrior stuff in the garden. There's more blue statues out there, she's surrounded by them, maybe there was a sale at K-Mart. The birdies and the bunny and the tortoise hang around too, cos they don't want Xena to get lonely. Even when Xena goes a bit nutso and starts fighting the statues and jump-kicking the tree-blossoms, the birds merely twitter irritatedly. And the wilder Xena gets, the more that tortoise tries to snuggle up to her tootsies. Hm.

(Must say, I do hope that hot tub's open 24/7, cos Xena's inner warrior bears a strong resemblance to a Kentucky coal miner.)

The weary hours drag on, Gabrielle gets deeper and deeper into serenity, Xena fights harder and harder against it. That night, as Gab, filled with inner peace, lies on a yin/yang bed (first the door, now the bed. I'm gonna take a wild guess here, and say that "opposites" are a pivotal theme tonight), Xena does frantic sit-ups beside her on the floor—oh, Gab sleeps on the white side, with her head pillowed on the black centre. Our bard is clad in a yummy white brocade sleeping gown that also serves as a cover for those chillier nights in Paradise when your warrior wants to stay up till all hours, exercising, meditating, learning to beat the forces of evil at their own game...

Xena actually breaks Aiden's illusion for a minute, though she doesn't know she's done it. Aiden knows, though. He's a bad guy. (Well, heck, there's only Xena, Gabrielle, Gar and Aiden. Someone's got to be the bad guy, and Gar's just a clown and Gab's turn ain't till next ep.)

Next day finds Aiden and Gabrielle strolling and chatting in the main hall (hey, it was an expensive set piece, gotta make the most of it) and I know Xena's mental work in the wee hours has gotten to him, the bastard, cos he tells Gab that Xena's dark side is gonna overwhelm her with delusions and blood and stuff, when that's really him attacking her. And Gab finds Xena later (in the tub, surprise!) and tries to warn her and get her to try the yoga thing or else she's gonna start to wig out, and Xena does, right there in the hot tub. (Gab's still dressed and off to one side, guess the clothes change worked.) And Gab starts to leave but she asks Xena if she's all right, and Xena says she weren't never better and right then she looks just like Assassin Xena in Ch'in, without the mud, it's really scary and boy, was I glad they went to commercial.

Xena gets dressed and seeks out Aiden to demand an explanation, cos she doesn't know yet that he's the source of all her delusions and stuff and so she believes him when he hits her "Keep Gabrielle Safe" button by telling her that if she don't leave, the dark fantasies of blood and pain and landscapes dotted with Wal-marts as far as the eye can see will become real and the Gabster will take the long count.

So, once again Xena sets down to write a Dear Gabrielle letter, but her nose starts bleeding and just then Gab comes into their room with a knotted back muscle, and could Xena free it up for her? Mixed in with all this are more (new! thank the gods!) scenes from the penultimate vision, where it looks like Gabrielle's apparently sat still for having her palms tattooed, you know that hurts like the devil, and all the while Xena's trying to work the knots out, she's being distracted by these visions and the blood dripping from her nose and she still manages to put Gabrielle to sleep.

And once again, it's "bu-bye, bard!" as Xena tries to sneak off for the Greater Good. In the garden, on her way to the train station, she is arrested by the sight of a medallion on one of the statues. She touches it—it's a service medallion, and looks just like the one she saw on Gar's neck the first time she met him, hm, next thing you know, she's chasing Gar down in the bushes. (For some reason, the little scene of her touching the medallion repeats, out of sequence, and all I can think is that this is a real, live glitch on the part of the film editor, who apparently expected a commercial break right after the first "touch the medal" showing.) Anyway, Xena's made one of those intuitive leaps of logic that drive those around her to such distraction, where she's trying to knife demons and all's the rest of her pals can see are innocent babies.

She finds Gar and he spills the beans. Aiden sucks goodness out of everyone around him, and what's left over is... blue painted concrete? Well, let that be a lesson for the kidlings, then. Anyway, she forms a plan, she's gonna divest herself of all her own goodness and attack Aiden with what's left, and Gar had better do what he's told or they'll all die.

Cut to a close-up of Aiden bending over Gabrielle, she'd deep in a trance and he's finally looking just as wicked as we all knew he was, smirking in a wash of blue light. Cut back to the garden, Elvira's rising up, wearing Xena's leathers... wait, it is Xena, only her hair's back in the lice stage and ye gods and little fishes, her teeth are...

That's one hell of a plan Xena's come up with, Aiden will never expect her to show up on his doorstep as a bunny rabbit. A chakram-wielding bunny rabbit. Hey, I think we've finally come to the butt-kicking part!

And the first thing she does, is a little chakram practise in the garden—one pass, and scratch one birdie, bounce off the tortoise (symbolism alert!), through another birdie, off the tortoise again (in case you didn't get it the first time), then home through the blonde bunny. Ooog, and to think Xena once complained of Gab getting eel guts on the thing.

SYMBOLISM TANGENT ALERT: I know I should leave this kind of thing to the brainy hardcore nutballs, but I just can't help myself. Cos there was that whole yin/yang thing, traditionally shown as black and white, which has some connotations in Western culture where light=good and dark=Jerry Springer, but that's not the whole story here, and when xenastaff brought in the tortoise and the hare motif, by golly, that was way cool, since those are also representative of opposites, but without the good/bad baggage dark&light carry. So Xena, in order to take on Aiden, becomes what she was not. She was the tortoise, she becomes the rabbit—and to complete the transformation, she kills the existing rabbit.

Okay, she does the birds, too, but that's just icing.

Enough of that crap—on with the butt-kicking! Xena faces off against Aiden in the hall, where Gab is already beginning the transformation to garden gnome. Without getting into a blow by blow description (what—do I look like John Madden?), it seems when Xena tries a frontal assault, she gets knocked back and around (and bounced off floors and walls) by the power of Aiden's mind—he sits serenely behind Gabrielle. Only when he approaches her in an attempt to take whatever good may be left from her (t'ain't none, fatal mistake, lotus-boy) she is able to land her first telling blows. Physically away from Gabrielle now, he loses his edge, and hastens back to feed from her directly. Then Xena taunts him to approach her again, and while he's some distance from the bard, she actually contemplates killing Gabrielle before Aiden can draw from her again. That's when Gar steps in, that's his part of the plan, to stop her before she can hurt Gabrielle. She instead turns on Gar, which is enough to shock Gabrielle out of the trance (can't let Xena kill the innocent, nuh-uh), which in turn shocks Aiden just long enough for Xena to kick her sword through his gut.

After that's a really nice sequence of images where Paradise dribbles away all around them as Aiden's body melts to nothingness and a touching reunion tween bard and warrior and then they're back in the cave. Except Gab's new clothes melted, too, and she huddles behind Xena to keep out of Gar's line of sight. There's the final wrap-up, Gar goes his way to once again experience the joys of freedom, since he was crazy only because of seeing what all Aiden did, and a lot of chat about Evil being a necessary force in the universe, since without it Good can't be experienced, sounds like the kind of stuff I used to hear at cast parties in the eighties after about six joints had been passed around (I hung out on the porch and drank beer, thank you), there was also a lot of talk about how Bobby Jones was a genius, but that was all true, so maybe this good/evil dichotomy is too.

So, anyway, way cool ep. The whole thing on opposites needing each other to exist is an excellent grounding for the coming India sequences, since it validates both Xena's and Gabrielle's varying patterns and emerging philosophies. On the surface, it looks like another "Gabrielle's trusting nature is AGAIN decieved by an evil teacher", but I don't think it is, at heart. Gabrielle is on a real, honest spiritual journey, and she will seek to learn from anyone and anything that seems to offer some insight on any aspect of the inner workings of the mind. If she gets in too deep, well, Xena's there, with her innate skepticism, to bail her out.