Daughter of Pomira

pericat's in a baaaad mood today. pericat has found yet another Dumb Thing to do on her motorbike, one which will cost her scads of dinars to repair. To wit: she slammed her disc lock into her front brake assembly and busted the bracket that holds the whole thing together.

What, pray tell, has this to do with Daughter of Pomira? Not a damn thing, I just thought I'd fucking share. Basically, I feel like that little girl looks. (grr) (GRR)

So, anyway, what we got here? "Xena Does the Wild West"? Think so, there's the whole goldy-haired child of the white settlers kidnapped by savages and adopted into their tribe theme, walks like a duck from my seat in the peanut gallery. Which is by no means criticism; I love this stuff.

Let's see, the Horde, the Horde, the Horde. Call themselves Pomira. Hm. Bet ya the price of my front brake assembly that Pomira means the People. So now we got two Horde words, kaltaka and pomira. Kaltaka pomira—the Water People. Kaltaka Pomirita—the Water Babies. Didn't Charles Kingley write that? (I thought it was Wordsworth, but Nola says Kingsley, and she's smarter than I am, since I get Kingsley and Wordsworth confused all the damn time and she doesn't, AND she can bake a cherry pie.) Have I digressed several light years from this ep, this show, this century? In under four sentences, by golly.

Back to some semblance of reality. This ep starts off with a flashback. Big surprise, we've been in flashback mode for the entire season. This one shows Evil Xena and her army in a pitched nighttime battle against brutal overwhelming savages. They're all in the trees, it's very artsy and scary and like that. Except Evil Xena's wearing her Good Xena armor. Well, okay, it's a flashback, not real live video footage, so I guess Xena can be forgiven for not wanting to remember herself in Evil Xena attire, since it pinched in all the wrong places and was hard to put on and didn't point up her best features the way Good Xena armor does. I mean, don't we all want to think of ourselves in our nicest light? So there.

Some redshirt guy calls retreat and Evil Xena gets snarky about it and knifes him, they've never retreated, not ever, but he was right just the same, they could stand a little strategic melting into the shadows here, cos the Horde is one tough opponent. So not a minute later, Evil Xena cops to the situation and calls retreat her own self. Bet she opens her own doors, too.

Then we cut to the present, thank heavens, Xena lived and it's just her and Gabrielle chatting by a pretty river, a brook of sorts (didn't Wordsworth touch on that subject? You can't fool me for long, he did. Kingsley might have, but who cares?) and they're in Horde Country by the look of it and need to carefully work their way out again, like mices across a formal dining room, except without all the priceless china and Wedgewood and curios from India to trip over, and on their way to doing just that, they run into a tiny band of Hordies out heading for their Kaltaka Displacement Device (a canoe, told ya this was an Indian—excuse me, First Nations kind of ep) and have to hide in the tall grass.

While they're hiding, and a lovely screen freeze it is, too, might I just point out that in relating this past-life incident to Gabrielle, Xena says of the Horde, "... but I don't understand them." Every time, it seems to moi, Xenascripts will do their damndest to set up the entire ep for us within one sentence of the opening scene. This is it. It's almost a non-sequiter, Xena saying that, but it does serve to tell us what the heck the ep will be about. We're gonna find out what's up with the Horde.

Last we saw of them, in that wonderful ep The Price, they were a bit sketchily drawn. We knew they liked to fight. We knew they liked killing and were very good at it. We knew they liked to drink water, often just after killing non-Horde. This is not the measure of a culture, an entire race of people, and I for one am glad that Xenastaff have decided to revisit the subject of just who the Horde are, what makes them tick, have they ever tried drinking milk or possibly fruit juice, do they have any opinions on the importance of free trade within a predominantly agrarian society?

So, back to the action, X&G are imitating scenery and the Hordies are just hanging out on the bank, gathering plants and picking nits and grunting to each other, very peaceful and such, and Gabrielle notices that one of the smaller females, not the alpha but the one with a basket, is a blonde. And then Xena comes up with the eagle eye spotter of the millenium when she responds that the girl looks familiar.

Right.

This kid's got blue and red mud smeared all over her face, she's wearing standard issue burlap sacking and brown mud wherever N'gila didn't think she needed colour, and Xena recognizes her. Uh-huh. It's cos she's wearing Hope's wig, Warrior Princess. Looks just like the your bloody goddaughter, she does.

Anyway, that there's a plot point, that Xena thinks she knows the kid from someplace, nevermind that it was from when she was a tiny baby toddler, with only the merest wisps of golden hairs framing her angelic face, and all babies look like Winston Churchill, whom Xena had drinks with in the club just last week, she recogizes this woad-bedaubed apparition with her photomorphing, cataloguing, indexing Destroyer of Nations memory as someone from her past.

By all the stars in heaven, by all the gods that have ever been and ever will be, is this or is this not a woman with a Past? If I had Xena's past, plus her eidetic recall, I'd've offed myself centuries ago. Certainly before doing the nasty with Hercules.

Anyway, back to the show. While this peaceful, nay, majestic tribe is going about their business, a stalking panther leaps from the concealing underbrush and sends them into a panic—oh, wait, that was just the show that was on the wire when the tape decided to quit pausing and auto-stop. The leaping killer is just Milo, a Horde bounty hunter, who fights just like Horde (o shades of calvary scouts and Davy Crockett and all like that there) and hates them with every pore of his being, and he offs one of them (he's scalping them, need I say more about the Indian/white settler thing? I probably will) and tries for another but Xena stops him and three of the four get away. He's all disgruntled about this, but in the midst of his spiel Gabrielle spots a Roman sling one of them dropped (the blonde) and Xena says they didn't get it in battle, they got it from her.

This is, like, way significant, cos then we cut to the titles and who'd've thought I could spend so many words on just the opening? Ain't seen nothin' yet.

So once the shots of Xena in years gone by (when she was much younger and campier and dissed Poseidon to his face and raced chariots along the sandy coastline and Gabrielle curled her hair and wore blue eyeshadow instead of light brown) have ended and we get back to what I will lightly refer to as "Now", X&G and Argo are hiking through the woods, with Milo tagging along and being a nuisance like Joxer except he's full of hate and Joxer's just full of... well, straw. Xena's already id'd the Horde kid, and remembers where her parents live (in a fort! a real, honest to goodness fort, with turrets and battlements and stuff) on the edge of Horde lands and those two groups need a really good wall between them, they are just not very good neighbours.

Xena has a talk with the parents and shows them the sling which their child (Vanessa, by the way) 'way back when was evidently playing with in the front yard outside the fort walls, (it's in awfully good condition considering it was a weapon ten winters ago and a toy for a teething toddler six winters ago and has since been used for berry-picking or scalp-gathering or some such, and just goes to show that these Horde folks really do take care of their stuff) when she was snatched by axe-wielding yet highly evolved Horde warriors out worshipping nature and respecting the land.

The kid's alleged parents, Raul and Whatsit, don't take much convincing, and beg X&G to bring her home again. She's all they ever had, well, her and their nice house with rooms full of good furniture and a thriving little cottage industry in the midst of good friends and family. Gabrielle agrees for the two of them, but Xena's not so keen on this expedition. She can see a whole lot of possible outcomes for their meddling in Horde home life, none of them very pleasant for anyone, but she keeps her mouth shut while they prepare to infiltrate the nearby Horde encampment.

That night, by the light of the full moon (the moon is always full in the Xenaverse) Xena and Gabrielle make their way to the outskirts of Horde Central, avoiding patrols and generally being very sneaky. Xena disguises herself as Horde (she paints her face carmine and rolls in the mud and sticks twigs in her hair, looks a lot like Evil Xena with Braids) and next we see her hanging with the Hordies, who're relaxing around campfires in their snug, warm Horde Caves and drinking their kaltakaskins dry and chattering endlessly about how a kaltakaskin these days doesn't hold nearly as much as it used to. Right in the middle of this peaceful, enlightened gathering is the Head Horde handing a kaltakaskin to our bewigged cherub, smiling and laughing with her, and she goes off with the skin to the local waterfall-fed spring to refill it. Just then another Hordie slaps a skin in Xena's hand, making his needs clear with complex phrasing ("Kaltaka! Go by! Kaltaka!") and Xena has an excuse (like she needs one) to follow the blonde kid out.

So then she finds the kid by the waterfall and sets her down and calmly explains, with word and gesture and 3-colour graphs with harmony, how she was kidnapped by that guy she thinks of as Papa from her real family, and that her real family misses her and has been searching for her all these years and still loves her, and that if she, the kid, was okay with this, they'd like to meet with her on some neutral ground, maybe a coffeehouse downtown, and of course her Horde daddy can come also, whaddaya say, kid?

You believe that? I'm lying, of course. What Xena does do, is snatch the child, immobilize her vocal chords (don't think M'Lila would approve) and head for the tunnel leading to the great blue yonder and Gabrielle. (Funny thing is, when Xena gets out by the spring her face paint's gone all blue. Must be the lighting.)

The kid does get out enough of a yell to bring the tribe running, not that they're any real match for a Warrior Princess, still, it's their tunnels and they almost get the pair. Eventually, though, Xena finds moonlight and hands the child off to Gabrielle while laying a false trail herself, using the kid's old sling. She's hiding in the trees when Papa-san finds the sling and his wail of grief pierces her heart as she realizes her worst forebodings are coming to pass. This guy loves his adopted daughter, and ain't gonna let her go without a fight. And when it comes to fighting, the Horde are always the home team.

Eventually she catches up to Gab & Hope, excuse me, Vanessa, and Little Van's getting her voice back enough to get the idea across that she's none too pleased about this unscheduled night hike, she'd like to go back now and ooooh, when Daddy catches up with you, you're gonna be in so much trouble.

And, by the way, her name's Paulie, and hit the second syllable. She'll answer to that, thanks. Xena's having third and fourth thoughts about this whole thing, but it's a little late for that and Gabrielle convinces her to go on with their plan. According to Hope-li, here, the Horde, excuse—Pomira are a bunch of peaceful nature lovers who wouldn't hurt a fly, and are only killing Greeks by the hundredweight because the Greeks started it, and besides, the Greeks trash the forests and the parks and the rivers and leave their candywrappers and Diet Pepsi cans all over the place and that kills stuff, you know it does.

They live through the night and are on the outskirts of settler lands when they run into Milo and when he gets uppity with VanniPauli, the little flower kicks him a good one in the nose from her vantage point on top of Argo (you go, grrl!). They reach the fort shortly afterward, and there's Mom and Dad waiting in the front of the welcome committee. This first meeting could have gone better—Dad gets a nasty set of scratches on his cheek and Gabrielle has to remind them that the kid is still their daughter, whatever she says and does.

Mom and Gabrielle get the kid away from the crowd, after she's scared them half to death by threatening them with the Wrath of Pomira. Milo wants to hang her but Xena and Mom object (Dad's still mulling it over) and we cut to a town meeting discussing what's to be done about the coming Horde invasion. Xena steps in and takes over the fort's defense, with Milo's enthusiastic support (he's a lot like Joxer in so many ways, beat him up and he loves ya, men are weird, that's all there is to that) since he thinks Xena's gonna let him kill Horde (boy's a one-trick pony).

Meanwhile Gab has a sensitive chat with Dad, but he's not buying it, till he sees the girl all cleaned up and in one of Mum's dresses. Then the kid spies a doll she used to play with and suddenly realizes she did used to live here. Sweet reconciliation scene with Dad until he opens his big mouth and calls the Horde "savages". The kid runs off in tears with Mom close behind.

Gabrielle meets with Xena on the battlements and takes the blame for bringing all this about, all the soldiers and war prep and Xena brushes it aside, she has an Ultimate Plan—to use the kid as a bridge for peace between the Horde and the settlers. She and Gab go over it quietly, but I have to think that the soldier standing guard RIGHT BEHIND THEM heard every word, but never mind, he wasn't supposed to so he stands there like a pillar of salt. Anyhow, Xena says Gabrielle was right to want to give the child a choice, but they did have to go along with it once she does make one.

Another full moon night, and VanPauli sneaks out of her quarters. On the way, in one of the most unconvincing "maybe I will, maybe I won't" scenes I've seen in a long time, she holds a sword over sleeping Dad's head, then kind of shrugs and walks away out the door. She's intending to jump the wall, but she runs into Milo. For some reason, he's still keen on killing her, that boy's just not right, but Xena stops him again and makes him go to time-out for the rest of the night. While she and the kid have a minute alone, Xena tells her what the plan is. VanPauli doesn't like it at all but Xena can be real persuasive and punches all her nature-worshipping, life-loving buttons. She ain't hung with Gabrielle all those years for nothing.

Next morning finds the Horde massed outside the walls. Xena has the settlers open the gates and VanPauli leads a party of her family plus assorted extras out to meet her other dad. They're smiling and all and then Milo explodes from his hiding place in the middle of the Horde army and starts picking fights. Instead of letting them turn him into puppy chow, since that might work against her overall strategy, Xena leaps down and confronts Milo, sword at the ready. The Horde surround them, quietly laying wagers and discussing the astronomical implications of three nights in a row with full moons.

Xena and Milo have an all out fight, he's a punk but he's whupping her tail right up to the point where she kills him. While he's breathing his last, dinars change hands and the meeting gets back on agenda. VanPauli does her bridge-mending thing and opts to return to the Horde anyway and Mom and Dad are heartbroken, even though she gives them the doll as a substitute daughter, so she has to promise to come back once in a while.

The Horde chief calls off the war and everyone goes back to whatever they were doing before, except they're all family now and love each other and Xena gives Gabrielle credit for restoring Vanessa to her family, if only part-time, making a lasting peace between the Greeks and the Pomira, which paves the way for international football matches, and lastly making it possible for them to get across that damn river they were gonna have to trek a long way around at the beginning of the ep. Nevermind that it took three days, they could've been across by now, it was all for the Greater Good and that's the whole reason they're alive, after all.

So, cool ep. A bit too thick with the noble savages stuff, and I'm having a tough time believing that a non-industrial society like the Ancient Greeks, even in the Xenaverse, can have a lasting ruinous effect on the ecosystem, but then I'm not terribly evolved myself. It's hard to feel that way when one is staring at the ruin of what was, only a second before, a perfectly running front brake assembly.