The Rheingold

It's no wonder Xena was estranged from her mama 10 winters plus 25 winters' ice time ago. She never had time to so much as send her a birthday card, let alone visit. If she wasn't decimating the populace in Ch'in, stealing Boadicia's army in Britannia, alterately whacking at Romans and Centaurs in Greece and points seaward, and a lot of other stuff I've forgotten, she was the one who introduced suicidal bloodlust as a career goal to the Vikings. And we all know what that led to. A whole lot of tall, blonde Brits, is what.

This ep opens with a full moon, a happy return to traditional values. Xena's camped by a fire (wearing fancy EvilXena armour and a winged helm), watching the flames and toying with a gold ring, which frankly looks like something from a five and dime store, but it isn't, it's real, she made it herself, seems. Well, maybe if she keeps at it she'll come up with something nicer for Mom's next birthday. Else she might's well just stay away another few winters.

Away behind her, crashing around in the trees, is a, um, well, um, tree. This week's featured opponent is Treebeard? Can't be. My next guess was Gabrielle's grandchild, but even Xenastaff wouldn't do that kind of time-looping. Anyway, it gets closer and we can see it's not him, the face is slightly different, (it's missing a finger, too, hm) and now Xena acts like she knows who it is, so I'll just sit tight. They fight and Xena says that she can't be defeated as long as she's wearing her special Trekkie glow-in-the-dark decoder ring, and sure enough, she works the walking tree into a cave or grotto or some such and slams the gates on it, then locks it with the chain and fancy raven lock she's brought with her. All the while she's doing that, Tree has hold of her left arm and is barking it or something, and when Xena pulls away finally, seems Tree got her ring off. Neener, neener.

Xena's put out, but says the lock and chain will still hold Tree forever, and Tree'll never be able to use the "power of the ring" (to do what? call Scotty to beam it up?). Still, I'd call that a fight a draw.

Xena whistles up her horse and takes off. As in, how planes take off, except without the Bernoulli effect. This is apparently gonna be one of the more expensive eps.

Cut to 35 years later (says so on the screen) and a rack of furs with a helmet sticking out the top strides purposefully into a tavern. Inside, Xena and Gabrielle are working through lunch while in the background someone on a violin plays a cheery Irish jig. The furry dude says his name's Beowulf and tosses a rusty raven lock on the table. O shades of the green dragon must be made small. Guess there weren't too many of them locks floating around, cos Xena immediately goes to chat with Beowulf and leaves Gabrielle to puzzle over the superfluous hardware.

That night, as they bed down in the tavern (fully dressed and armed, they must have to put down a heck of a deposit on their linens at these taverns), Gab asks about the Beowulf lock thing, but Xena don't wanna talk about it and Gabrielle doesn't push it. Considering what happened the last time she pushed, that's probably all for the best. Comes the dawn, and it seems Xena's gone missing in the night, leaving naught behind but a cryptic note, long on professions of everlasting regard and way short on concrete details. At least it's sealed with a kiss.

Why Xena even bothers trying to give Gabrielle the slip is beyond me. That bard could track a needle in a haystack halfway around the known world, if it'd been used to stitch a rip in Xena's leathers. Xena's gone off, presumably with Beowulf, and they're moving at a dead run, considering that Gabrielle tracks her for weeks and doesn't catch up. She's now in the far north, there's snow on the ground and everyone she meets is wrapped head to toe in cloaks and furs, so Gabrielle puts on a light coat that almost closes in front. She stops off in a small town and chats with a trader about a tapestry he's displaying, that shows the Valkyries riding down from Valhalla (yah! yah!). One of them is different, she's got dark hair. The trader don't recall her name, but the blonde woman hovering behind Gab chimes in saying that one's Xena.

Gabrielle don't even blink, after all, she was Tataka's earthly manifestation not all that long ago. If Xena's current resume doesn't include "Valkyrie", it's only cos she's trying to keep it to one page. So Gabrielle pumps the woman, Brunnhilde, for more information and learns that Xena came around from Ch'in awhile back and got in good with Odin by pointing out how much more fun it is to fight battles and kill folks than to hang from a tree bleeding and moaning. Well, can't argue with that, so Odin gets off the tree and takes Xena home with him and makes her a Valkyrie. She learns to ride the carousel horsies in the sky and shout "Yah!" in chorus with all the others and generally fits right in, 'cept she's evil and the others are noble and they do appear to notice. Odin doesn't. He's a god. They're kinda slow that way.

The Head Valkyrie, Grinhilde, is way underwhelmed by Xena's growing influence over Odin, not to mention the way the Newest Valkyrie conducts herself in the field. To Xena, all fights are to the death, surrender is ignominious, and dying in the name of Odin is a fine, fine thing. Well, it is for her, since it's not her death, and each one furthers her rise in Odin's estimation. She and Grinhilde argue about it in front of him, he takes Xena's side and that's game over for Grinhilde, she's outta there. Odin mutters about how he loved her, and Xena tells him he can live without love.

Hm.

Gabrielle stops Brunnhilde in her tracks by muttering "Poor Xena." Voicing the sentiments of the masses, Brunn responds, "'Poor Xena'?! Haven't you been listening?" Well, yeah, but this is Gab—she knows Xena can't live without love, Xena's her, um, her, well, um, friend. (Hey, I've been introduced to folks in much the same way, bet lots of y'all have, too.) Gabrielle wants to know more, and Brunnhilde tells her to camp for the night and she'll come round with more stories, maybe a bottle of wine, some cakes, they'll talk. Friends should talk, don't you think?

Waiting by the fire, Gab jots a few more pictographs in her diary, she figures EvilXena screwed up here as badly as everywhere else and therefore has some fixing to do, and if it's anything like the mess she made in Ch'in, well... Her musings are interrupted by a noise in the bushes, might be Brunnhilde, might be a walking tree, dunno, but whatever it is, when Gabrielle spots it, the sais come out.

Turns out it's Brunnhilde, but instead of the wine and cakes she's brought a sword, and she's pointing it Gab's way. They fight, Gabrielle gets in some good licks but a sword's got more reach than her sais and Gab ends up flat on her back. Instead of offing her, Brunnhilde offers a hand to help her up, but the battlin' bard's way pissed. Brunn says she was just wanting show her worthiness to Gabrielle as a companion in the Search for Xena, kind of an odd approach with Gab and goes to show that when it comes to impressing women, Brunnhilde could use some tips in subtlety.

Gab lets it go, and Brunnhilde picks up the story where she left off earlier. Having gotten Grinhilde out of the picture, Xena's getting very snuggly with Odin. He's teaching her the same stuff he teaches the other Valks, like how to set fire to incidental metal and porcelain hall sculptures to burn off the dust and make less work for the cleaning staff, maybe this sort of thing helps when they're out camping in the wilderness and they need to scare off rabid trees. Anyway, she wants more, she wants to know about the Rheingold, so she pretends to love Odin so he'll tell her and not be all worried she's trying to steal it.

Maybe it's just the way Brunnhilde tells the story, but Xena's profession of LUV for Odin is so puerile, only a middle-aged, newly dumped Norse god would have fallen for it. Grinhilde points this out to Odin, mincing no words, after Xena's taken off on her flying horsie to check out the Rheinish scenery. She points out the local bards sing songs about what the Rheingold can do to a loving heart and what it will do for the bitter, c&w singing heart. Odin is surprised this stuff is common knowledge, much like Hoover finding out that everyone knows about him and that fellow in his apartment. Best line of the ep so far: Grinhilde saying, "You want to mix with the people more, Odin." He gives her back command of the Valkyries so that she can hunt Xena down like a dog and waste her.

It's been tried, but Grinhilde doesn't know that.

Now comes what must be one of the longest X:WP scenes we've ever been treated to without a scrap of dialogue. Just "Yah!" and "YAH!" and occasionally, "Alililili!" The Valkyries are chasing down Xena in the sky and she's laughing and tossing them off their rocking horses so that they fall to the earth way below. That's the whole of this scene. Nothing else happens. Well, okay, once in a while Xena frowns petulantly. How Brunnhilde acts this one out for Gabrielle is anyone's guess, but I'll bet when Gab later sketches the whole story for posterity and Kahina's kids (not Korah's, shame about that), she cuts a few of those yahs.

Finally Grinhilde catches Xena's eye. They fight. Well, okay, they ponderously wave their swords about till Grinhilde loses hers and flings herself at Xena sending them both plunging groundward and us into commercial land. For once, I'm actually grateful. I mean, given the same raw material, Wagner composed The Ride of the Valkyries. Xenastaff composed "Yah!" I'm not sure all this postmodern stuff is a real improvement in some areas.

Commercials over, Xena and Grinhilde plunge down and down, slamming through foliage and finally hitting hard in a frosty glade. Cut to a shot of a tree, its branches still and quiet. Cut to a shot of sky, partly cloudy with light, high breezes and a chance of snow later in the week. "All is well," is the message of the pristine wilderness, the ecosystem was not even slightly bruised in the making of this week's ep.

Oh, wait—Grinhilde's banged her lip on a tooth. Damn, that's gotta hurt. She's not happy about it, and it distracts her from noticing Xena's coming up with a drawn sword. Xena starts to take Grinhilde's head off, but thinks better of it and just kicks in her teeth instead. Her horsie gallops down the fairy path just then, and she mounts, sneering meaningfully and rides off with one last parting "Yah!" to drive home how she's the One, she's the Woman, and don't none of youse forget it.

Next thing we know, Xena's doing unto the Rheinmaidens what she done unto Odin, hey, it's a good trick, working well on these Northerners, and before you can pinch a warrior princess' behind, she's tricked one of them into leading her to the Rheingold. As a parting gift to remember her by, Xena gives her guide a bloody nose.

Now she's got the gold, time to forge. Y'all can go for popcorn during this scene, this is not the last time we'll see it in the next couple weeks. It's not even the first time we saw it this ep, but there's a bit more this time round. She melts the gold, she pours it into a mold that don't look nothing like the finished product, she breaks the mold with a whacking big maul and cools the new ring in a pool of water. Henceforth this sequence will be known as The Forging Scene or That Damn Ring Bit. It has its own leitmotif, so you can tell when it's coming and plan your snack runs accordingly.

Brunnhilde cuts in on this stirring tribute to five and dime smithing and says, in case we forgot, that the Ring will give Xena "ultimate power" and make her invincible. Gabrielle says that Xena didn't need the Ring, she was already the best fighter in the world. Shows what Gab knows about the lure of ultimate power. She's so sweet. Needs a haircut, though. Brunnhilde don't miss a beat, she can see that Gabrielle's got it bad for Xena and says so, then watches her squirm for a bit before letting her off the hook again.

Cut to two racks of furs striding through the snowy countryside. It's Beowulf and Xena (remember Xena? This is her show.), walking in the light of the full moon (yay!) and talking about how sweet Gabrielle is. There's a pattern here, I'm thinking. Beowulf also mentions that the people in these parts think of Xena as a demon, which she likely noticed from the dearth of Solstice and birthday cards with Norse postmarks.

Back to Brunnhilde and Gabrielle—Brunnhilde is still digging for why Xena came north, and Gabrielle mentions the rusty raven lock. That's all Brunnhilde needed to know, she says Xena's on a suicide mission.

Cut back to Beowulf and Xena, it's daytime now, they're in front of a meadhall, looks rather like the last party there could have used a few designated drivers. There's more bodies than were on Omaha beach, and Beowulf leads Xena into the hall, saying this is the end of the line.

Next shot is of them in the hall, now it's night (moon's still full), and for a change it's Beowulf sharpening his sword while Xena prowls around. They're waiting for something. While they wait, Beowulf tells Xena how the bodies all over the place got to be set decorations, seems Grindl the Monster did for them. What they talked about all the long afternoon is anyone's guess, my vote is that they didn't chat about goldsmithing. Xena says she created Grindl just as there's noises outside that indicate a certain someone's ears have been burning.

Gabrielle and Brunnhilde are quickstepping along the road, Gab says they'll travel through the night, she's clutching her coat in a vain attempt to cover her front from the piercing night wind (her belly button still shows), and Brunnhilde says they'll be wherever they're going by morning. So we already know they'll get there too late. Shucks. Oh, well, this is the kind of timing that makes a trilogy out of a short short, so that's okay.

So, while Beowulf and Xena prepare to meet their Doom, Brunnhilde calls up a flashback to explain how that Doom came to be.

But while she's setting up the in-house movie projector, the Doom bursts into the hall and knocks Beowulf flat. It's Tree! And Tree's got the Ring! How about that—bejewelled vegetation giving what-for to a pair of carnivores. Talk about subtle propaganda, my hat's off to Xenastaff.

This is a heck of a fight, Tree whups their butts, no two ways about it. The Slicin' -n- Dicin' Chakram barely makes a dent in Tree's foliage, neither does the axe Beowulf finds in the litter of the hall, Xena loses her sword somewheres and in the end, Beowulf's buried under several kilos of masonry and incidental shelving and Tree's advancing on a prone and bloodied and defenseless (but snarling) Xena.

Cut to Brunnhilde and Gabrielle approaching the meadhall, it's another beautiful day, and they're bonding, in a Xena's the Centre of My Life but You're Really Cute kind of way.

They dig Beowulf out from under and he's messed up but he did figure out somehow that Tree had drug Xena off somewheres, must be that x-ray vision all them Norse heroes got, and there ain't naught left but her breastplate, how she shrugged out of that just to be hauled around by Tree is not readily apparent, doubt Tree helped with the buckles, but still, it's on the floor and Gabrielle finds it. It's looking a mite worse for wear.

And that's it for this week! So, what we got—all in all, extremely, undoubtedly, VERY cool ep. Lots decent butt-kicking, bit too much emphasis on the yahs, excellent stuff developing between Gabrielle and Brunnhilde and a refreshing lack of anything developing between Xena and Beowulf. (Brunnhilde is the hottest ally since Lao Ma, for my money.) And there's a sure-nough Monster! Okay, it's not a scary monster, but hey—this is a syndie, after all.